Friday, December 31, 2010
As the Sun Sets on 2010
I am content.
I am peaceful.
I am loved.
I am free.
I am alone.
I am hurting.
I am safe.
I am wife.
I am daughter.
I am still sister.
I am mother.
I am still your mother.
I am aunt.
I am strong.
I am afraid.
I am plaintiff.
I am loyal.
I am friend.
I am defender.
I am rescuer.
I am Jewish.
I am happy.
I am a mess.
I am alive.
I am angel.
I am human.
I am blessed.
I am cursed.
I am angry.
I am forgiveness.
I am creative.
I am woman.
I am funny.
I. am. serious.
I am broken.
I am generous.
I am flawed.
I am compassionate.
I am driven.
I am breathing.
I am open.
I am honest.
I am grateful.
I am lost.
I am solitary.
I am friendly.
I am DNA.
I am water.
I am dust.
I am soul.
I am body.
I am willing.
I am kind.
I am here.
I am here.
I am here.
I am here.
I. am. here.
And I thank you for being here, in this moment, on this day, at this time, along with me.
And I would be honored if you might share with me, what are you?
Happy 2011.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Let There be JOY
Angel Daughter Number One was born with the voice of an angel. Whenever she sings, whether it be chanting in synagogue or joyfully singing Christmas carols for work, my heart takes flight.
It is times like these when I know that my heart has wings.
Last week, Mark, Angel Daughter Number Four and I, drove up to Los Angeles to hear AD1 and these three other very talented, beautiful kids Christmas Carol in the rain. And although the weather was quite inclement, their voices were clear, melodic and bright. When they pulled AD4 up to accompany them on the bells, everyone enjoyed the moment. Thank goodness ALL of my daughters are musically inclined. AD1 caught on immediately and shook those bells with a smile on her sweet face. She is such a good sport!
May all of my wonderful friends who celebrate Christmas(and even those who do not) be filled with the joy of friends, family and abundant gratitude on this beautiful day.
Love,
Debbie
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Build an Ark
California is being inundated by a deluge of pounding rain. And for the first time in many years, we are having an actual winter. Never mind the fact that only a week ago, it was sunny and 80 degrees. Right now it is cold and rainy and I think that I actually heard a voice, this morning, beckoning for me to build an ark. Really.
So instead of heading down to the beach and hankering down there, I remain huddled up snugly in our main home reading, watching the last remaining moments of Oprah and wondering how many more days of thrown-together meals I can creatively prepare for Mark and myself.(One. Possibly. Nah.) It is winter break for my three youngest Angel Daughters and aside from their popping in and out to sleep or change clothes or say "Hi Mom!", they are mostly like little ducks braving the inclement weather. For them, the rain rolls right off, for me, it sticks and drenches and chills my bones right down to the very core.
Why is it that our water-repellent cloak seems to thin down over the years, leaving us more open and vulnerable to the elements? What is it that we lose from fifteen to fifty that leaves us feeling more naked in the rain?
And yet, yesterday, when I stepped outside to gather the mail, I stopped and stood outside in my pajamas. Rain pelting down sideways in sharp sheets without mercy. Wind whisking wet leaves off of the trees. Color upon grey upon color. And I thought to myself, I need to capture this moment. Need.
I ran inside to grab my camera which is always only an arms reach away. Back outside in pajamas already saturated with rain, I began capturing time. Click. Click-click. Click, click, click.
And as the rain drenched my body, the color upon grey upon color also drenched my soul. Instead of running past the rain with my once naturally-repellent, duck-like coating, I stood in the middle of a puddle in my pajamas(cheetah print!) soaking in the moment while absorbing what is.
And I realized that maybe it isn't so much about what we lose from fifteen to fifty, but what we gain that truly holds any water.(Okay, please forgive me that very obvious rain analogy.) We might lose the ability to find every day so exciting that we run, unencumbered, from moment to moment ducking our heads underneath an umbrella, but we gain the true saturation of things. The momentary drama of running from the house to the mailbox while catching the quick glimpse of color through the corner of our eye, only stopping to notice it. Really notice it. The ability to stand outside in cheetah-print pajamas, knowing all the while, that the neighbors will probably drive by at that exact moment, but not caring one bit. The way that it feels so darn good to get back inside the warm safety of home and to feel blessed by the ability to prepare a simple meal with my husband of almost three decades. Gain. Gain. Gain. My Angel Daughters have so much to gain. And yet, so do I.
Now, does anyone know how to build an ark?
So instead of heading down to the beach and hankering down there, I remain huddled up snugly in our main home reading, watching the last remaining moments of Oprah and wondering how many more days of thrown-together meals I can creatively prepare for Mark and myself.(One. Possibly. Nah.) It is winter break for my three youngest Angel Daughters and aside from their popping in and out to sleep or change clothes or say "Hi Mom!", they are mostly like little ducks braving the inclement weather. For them, the rain rolls right off, for me, it sticks and drenches and chills my bones right down to the very core.
Why is it that our water-repellent cloak seems to thin down over the years, leaving us more open and vulnerable to the elements? What is it that we lose from fifteen to fifty that leaves us feeling more naked in the rain?
And yet, yesterday, when I stepped outside to gather the mail, I stopped and stood outside in my pajamas. Rain pelting down sideways in sharp sheets without mercy. Wind whisking wet leaves off of the trees. Color upon grey upon color. And I thought to myself, I need to capture this moment. Need.
I ran inside to grab my camera which is always only an arms reach away. Back outside in pajamas already saturated with rain, I began capturing time. Click. Click-click. Click, click, click.
And as the rain drenched my body, the color upon grey upon color also drenched my soul. Instead of running past the rain with my once naturally-repellent, duck-like coating, I stood in the middle of a puddle in my pajamas(cheetah print!) soaking in the moment while absorbing what is.
And I realized that maybe it isn't so much about what we lose from fifteen to fifty, but what we gain that truly holds any water.(Okay, please forgive me that very obvious rain analogy.) We might lose the ability to find every day so exciting that we run, unencumbered, from moment to moment ducking our heads underneath an umbrella, but we gain the true saturation of things. The momentary drama of running from the house to the mailbox while catching the quick glimpse of color through the corner of our eye, only stopping to notice it. Really notice it. The ability to stand outside in cheetah-print pajamas, knowing all the while, that the neighbors will probably drive by at that exact moment, but not caring one bit. The way that it feels so darn good to get back inside the warm safety of home and to feel blessed by the ability to prepare a simple meal with my husband of almost three decades. Gain. Gain. Gain. My Angel Daughters have so much to gain. And yet, so do I.
Now, does anyone know how to build an ark?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Gratitude For You
As the waves crash up against my life, I feel like I sent out some distress signals which were answered by so many compassionate and concerned friends. And in the answers came strength, comfort and understanding. There is a collective woman-soul(This includes certain men who are very comfortable with women. You know who you are:)) which crosses over boundaries, differences and even the Internet. There is a language spoken that whispers to us and helps us to fly past the obstacles and into a clearing of better understanding. In so many ways, the individuals who I have met as a result of this blog, have ushered me into a space of clearer understanding. We may all be on different paths during this lifetime, but so much of each other's story feels familiar. We listen to one another. We care for one another and we reach out when someone is wounded.
And as the waves crash in, I am so blessed to be pulled away from the undertow by kind souls like you. Your words, like floating buoys of respite, cradle my tired spirit until I am able to swim my way back to gentler seas. Thank you for allowing me to admit that even though there are some things that will never be, I can search for and find comfort in places I never even expected.
And as the waves crash in, I am so blessed to be pulled away from the undertow by kind souls like you. Your words, like floating buoys of respite, cradle my tired spirit until I am able to swim my way back to gentler seas. Thank you for allowing me to admit that even though there are some things that will never be, I can search for and find comfort in places I never even expected.
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