Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Here For Now

Angel Daughter Number One as Peter Pan at Disneyland on Halloween
A little fun because sometimes my mind gets so busy working overtime that I need to find some peace amongst the chaos just to quiet it down.  Nothing in particular other than life continuing on whether I feel well physically, or not, and for the past month the status quo has been well into the or not category.  I hate to focus on my physical pain and most of the time, I am able to push through it to a place in which it becomes nothing more than a dull ache, a nuisance lingering remotely in the recesses of my mind, a gremlin in my brain.  But sometimes, it is very, very hard to live a life in constant physical pain.  And no matter how much I rest, how much strong(almost frighteningly strong) pain medication that I have on board, or how hard I try to push my mind back into a positive place, I begin to feel beat down, beat up, beat period.  I have been here before, and I accept that I will be here again.  The weather has been funky with heat and then rain and then cold and then heat, again.  This is Southern California after all, and although we do not have the changes in seasons that other parts of the country experience, we do get weather.  This time of year is notorious for some pretty extreme changes.  So here I exist.  Until something nudges my physical body into a better place and suddenly I stop to realize that an hour has gone by without any mind distracting, mind numbing pain.  And then another, and then if I am lucky enough, a decent reprieve so that I can take a decent full-body breath.

Tonight, as I was scrolling through photos, some that I took, some that I (a-hem) borrowed from my daughter's Facebook pages and some that they texted to me, I began feeling the joy that can only come from loving so hard that the smiles make your face hurt and that is the kind of pain that I know that we can all use more of.  Please indulge me as I remind myself that these are the most important reasons that I keep on truckin' along when I might feel as if I am running on empty.
For Halloween, Angel Daughter Number Four and her darling friend, Daisy, dressed up as Harjuku girls.  They were absolutely adorable.  The blow-up pirate ship in the background was on our front lawn at our main home on the ranch.(as opposed to our smaller homes on the beach and in the mountains)  The girls are seventeen years old but they wanted to go out trick-or-treating anyway.  Heck, I wanted to go out trick-or-treating!  When they dressed up, they kind of looked like they were around fourteen which is fine with me:)  I only wish that I could keep them that way for a while.
I love this picture of Angel Daughter Number One and Angel Daughter Number Three.  They got up very early in the morning because they wanted to visit the Tim Burton Nightmare Before Halloween exhibit at the LACMA in Los Angeles on the very last day that it was going to be there.  I love it when my daughters make plans to just get together in different combinations.  It reminds me that they do feel connected even when outside of the whole family as a unit.  I have been feeling very disconnected from that type of bond lately because my only brother is gone and I am no longer a part of his children's lives.(for now)  I truly am very blessed to have the family that Mark and I have created together but aside from them, I am pretty alone in the world now.  Yesterday my doctor reminded me that this is the time of the year when people tend to focus on losses and that it really is not quite as jolly as all of the retailers would like for us to believe that it is.  That resonated deeply with me.
I love this picture, too.  I borrowed it from one of my daughter's Facebook pages.  Angel Daughter Number Two and Angel Daughter Number Four found out that a very popular band that they love(Mumford and Sons) was playing at a local store without publicity and for free.  They were not sure if it was a rumor so they decided to meet there anyway along with around fifty other lucky people. The band showed up.  My girls were in the front row only a head-shake away from the lead singers sweat.(very cool and big yuck at them same time)  Sometimes life can really shine upon us when we take a chance to follow a lead that others might not bother to.
Angel Daughter Number Two and Luis, her new marmalade cat, a self-portrait.  She rescued him and now he rescues her from loneliness and a cold lap.
AD3 arrived home from work, one evening, looking content and happy.  The glow was back.  There is nothing more in the world that I could wish for her.  I love the way the shadow from her eyelashes gently kisses her cheek.  She spent around three weeks shaking the mud out of her wings, but she is learning to take flight once again.  I suppose that is what being nineteen is all about.
AD1 is my woman-child at twenty four years old.  Listening to her talk about her own plans, ideals and goals for the future really makes this momma proud.  I do not really spend too much time worrying about this one anymore.  She has proven that her wings work really well.  I am proud of her beyond compare and I just know that life holds wonderful stuff for her.  Watch for her commercial coming out soon!  This one will be on national television so I will let you all know when it comes out.  This way we will all be able to be proud of her at once;)
My baby and her baby, Micah.  This child was born under a cheerful star.  She is filled with warmth and joy and compassion.  She came into this world with a twinkle in her eye and a dance in her step.

When people talk to me about nurture vs. nature, I must admit that I used to believe that the emphasis was on nurture but when I look at my own children, I can see that who they were as babies and as children is a lot like who they are now as young women.  Mark and I are the very same parents with the same values and ideals who are raising four female children in mostly the same way.(I say "mostly" because each child has different needs, strengths and weaknesses.)  Yet our girls are all unique, all special and all different. Some things just are as they are, inherently.

I will try my very best not to draw back into my cocoon of chronic pain.  There are times when I end up here and do not even remember the onset. I try to pinpoint an event or a day when I overdid it, or even something emotionally overloading that burst like an infected cyst into the rest of my body.  I only know that my soul feels broken open and that my body feels beat by the pain, right now, and I want it to stop.  I need for it to stop.  But in the in-between, I will hold myself accountable by doing things as if the pain has subsided.  I will continue to cut myself some slack(fighting with oneself is mostly futile) but I will remind myself that in spite of it all, I have a pretty darn amazing life and that unlike my brother, I am still here to care for the people I care for and to love on the people(and pets) who I love.  When I breathe into that thought, it momentarily soothes my soul enough to get me into the next minute, and then the next one, and then the next one...Until I know that there will be better days ahead. I just have to hang tight for a bit.

With love to all,


Mark said...

Your girls certainly do have "life" in them. You don't even need to point it out to see that.
I think I'll buy your parenting book. Or maybe you can just send me an autographed copy, huh?
Take care of yourself the best that you know how. When I don't have migraines, I try to remember to give thanks to God for not being in pain. He likes to be remembered during the good times too.
Your Friend, m.

Miss A said...

So so so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. I hope you're taking care of yourself and not stretching yourself thin.
Your girls are lovely. Yes, please do have a book for me as well. You are setting a good example, to them, to others, and to me.
The other thing I want to ask is... THREE HOUSES?! What? How awesome! I know you are all such hard workers, I'm glad you get to enjoy the fruits of all of this labor.
You and your husband are a good team, you raised your daughters so well. Once again, kudos.
And hugs. Lots of them.

beaux said...

You have such beautiful daughters and I am happy to hear that AD3 is shaking the mud out of her wings. Love hurts at that age. Any age I suppose. Hope you are all doing well and you have a wonderful holiday.

Mickey (Michel) Johnson said...

sending you love and hugs. you were on my mind so much i decided to pop by. your angels are beautiful...just like you! xo, mickey

LauraX said...

Sending you gentle hugs Debbie. I'm sorry the past month has been so difficult pain wise. I'm glad that you are appreciating the joys in your life nonetheless. I find love is the buoy that helps me to stay afloat when times are hard. I hold on, and relax above the deep waters, stop struggling and find peace riding the waves up and down.

love to you soul-sister

Sharon said...

Deb, I think you've done a beautiful job of listing the love and people you have in the "plus" column. Focus on that and what you can do to feel better ~ it's amzaing how much of life can take care of itself when we need to take a break.

Sending a big hug ~

Angella Lister said...

Debra, you are in my prayers. I hope the pain is easing somewhat. I love these photos of your beautiful daughters. You've done so well with them. How wise of you to let their joy enfold you as you heal from this latest bout. I am sending love. I wish I could encircle you with my arms, or just sit and drink tea with you and be there.

love you dearly,

Kathleen Botsford said...

Aww Deb, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I wish there was something I could do for you more than just sending you love and prayers on the wings of Angels. I know your Angels help you immensely. Much love, Kathy
p.s. I knew something was up cuz I hadn't heard from you lately....:(

Renee said...

Somehow I missed this post...and I do enjoy reading the words your share with us so much. I am so sorry you are suffering so much Deb and I do hope that by today, Thanksgiving, things have eased up for you....there is nothing like pain to shift our focus. Your photos of your girls are great and your words are always filled with transparancy and wisdom. I will pray for you....

Kathleen Botsford said...

Happy Happy Thanksgiving dearest Debbie! Much love to you and yours!

LauraX said...

Hello Debbie dear, I know you've not been feeling well. I am hoping that if you have a pain free moment you will send me a quick email about something you are feeling grateful for for this year's gratitude quilt. I hope you start feeling ease soon and that Thanksgiving was a lovely, loving experience and not too exhausting for you my friend. You know I'm here for you anytime you want to talk...we can skype with tea and pretend we are sitting together comfortably:-)

deb colarossi said...

Was thinking of you this weekend.. getting to have the American Thanksgiving as my daughter who goes to school in Mass was home! Thinking about daughters and children and being trusted by God to have these babies , these miracles.
You get this. You know it and do not take it for granted for one minute.
I wish it was enough.. the love, to take away life's pain, life's trials.
It just has to be faith and trust and gratitude sometimes I guess.

wishing you peace in that always.

love to you.

and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your heart. it has meant so much.

Angella Lister said...

Debra, just want to let you know I am thinking about you, and sending love.

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