Sunday, September 2, 2012

Thawing Out

I am good.  I have not melted, nor imploded, nor run off to some exotic island in the South Pacific where life is absolutely perfect and there are handsome, young, sun-kissed natives fulfilling my every frivolous desire.  And although for the past three or so weeks, I have spent most of my time in what I call my "mom cave"(our air-conditioned bedroom which has been the only tolerable space in our home because people in San Clemente do not believe in installing central air) yesterday and today have been much nicer days with much less heat and humidity.  Yes friends, global warming has finally made its way to the west coast which means that no place is safe from the clutches of intolerable heat anymore.  We are all doomed to a life filled with cases of deodorant, indoor activities and whining.  Build a bunker that has air conditioning and stock it with lots of canned goods.

As I sit here thinking about where the summer has gone and how I am actually very glad that it is almost gone, I am also a bit sad about how quickly the time just whizzes by.  My girls are no longer children.  Our pets are getting older, especially my beloved dog Becca who is now living with kidney failure at the age of nearly fourteen.  My parents are both in their seventies.  I just turned 50.  Life happens whether we decide to participate in it or not and quite honestly, for the past four years since my brother died, I have felt as if time stood frozen solid in too many aspects.  The clock kept ticking but I somehow became ensconced in the shock and the pain and the grief of losing someone who was such an important presence in my life since the time that I was four years old.  And then, so many people betrayed many people.  People who I truly believed cared about me and loved me.  And the bite from those betrayals, the bone-crushing throb that occurs after the jaws clamp down on an unsuspecting heart, it can come up at times when I am least expecting it.  A word, a smell, a story, a picture and my heart begins aching again...thumping, thumping, thumping.  Betrayal is one of the few things in life that we cannot do anything to prevent.  We go into relationships trusting that others are not going to use those relationships to bring pain and sadness into our lives.  It happens, though.  And along with the death of my brother, my only sibling, these people turned on me as if I was somehow to blame for the loss or as if I was only the sister, which somehow meant that the loss should have been less for me? My mother, my "step-father", my "step-brother" Marc, his wife Sheri, their son my "nephew" Eric and his now wife, Rachel.  And almost worst of all in such a deeply hurtful way that makes me feel nothing but sorrow when I think of what my brother must have had to live with, my sister-in-law Allyson.  Naming names and taking numbers now but I am not exactly sure why I have reached this point at this particular time.  I suppose all things come with time.

I am at a point in my life in which I want to heal.  I am craving healing.  My brother would want me to.  My husband and my daughters and my father want me to.  My friends want me to.  My therapist who is really just a friend who I pay by the hour, wants me to.  And although I am not really sure where to begin, this unrelenting heat that we have been experiencing is beginning to thaw my soul.  I am taking small steps towards reaching out to the world again.  Small, little baby steps toward not believing that anyone I allow in will someday betray me.  I know that that is not true, that people will inevitably betray me, I just need to begin to believe it again.  The wound runs so terribly deep.  I have to remind myself that the individuals who thought little of betraying me were individuals who were presented into my life by other people.  My mother's marital family of choice, not mine.  My brother's wife of choice, never mine.  I accepted these people as my own.  I did not have to.  I could have kept a polite distance.  They became my childrens' people, too.  Maybe that is part of what hurts so much.  Hurt me, but stay away from my children.  I must always remember that they were someone else's people.  So, as another autumn comes into view, I am thinking about what is next.  I am actually calling the people who say, "Give me a call, sometime!", and I am opening myself up to the possibilities.  I am feeling restless which I think might be a very good sign.  I am no longer comfortable just cocooning into a place that feels safe, a place where they cannot hurt me.  I want my heart to thaw.

If you are still reading at this point and you do not think that I am seriously broken, thank you.  Would you mind saying a prayer, or, if you are not the praying type, sending a bit of good energy out into the Universe for me?  And I will do the same for you because when it comes down to it, we are all really just souls journeying through this world in order to find our way to love.  It is as simple as that.

I am good.  Truly, I am.


joanne said...

we are all broken dear Deb. And maybe that is the point, although we are all broken we also all seek for that place of solace. Whispering prayers of hope to the universe that you will find your peace again. be well.

Renee said...

Betrayal is so painful, especially with those we care about. I am sending prayers heavenward for you Debi, returning words to you that you have shared with me. Welcome back you mighty woman of God. You are a strong and beatiful woman! And we are all broken in some way...clay pots put back together by the Master potter. I heard a blessing that I have tucked away for myself on days the world seems so overwhelming..."Go out into the world and fear nothing" Fear nothing friend. Grab hold of joy and don't let go. Sending big hugs and heartfelt prayers....

Miss A said...

I don't think you are broken, I think you are seriously healing. What gets to me is that we have very similar stories and backgrounds and I have that fear that the pain won't ever leave, despite building a beautiful family. But that is your strength. You are right, your mother's and brother's choices of life partners aren't yours.
Hugging you and wishing for lazy beach days with you one day!

Angella said...

You know, dear Debra, I sometimes have the strange sense that we are twin souls, learning the same lessons in different bodies, on different coasts. There is so much I relate to here, including the betrayal by people i love(d) after the death of a shared loved one, my mother in law. I cannot name names on my blog (yet) because it would hurt my husband, but his sister has been unforgivable since their mother's death, not liking the will her mother wrote and being poisonous to us all as a result, and turning her 3 daughters, my children's beloved cousins, against us. I did not see this coming. we have been there for those girls, the oldest even living with us for a time, but now the things to inherited, houses, land, have changed everything and I can barely believe it is so. But you are right, these are people introduced into my life by others, and it is time to seal up the hurt place and move on. They are who they are, they will not change, and I cannot allow myself to keep being undone by it. I am sorry to leave such bitterness in your comments, but sometimes i think you may be the only person on earth who can grasp this, who will not think, "well, what did you do to them to provoke this," because the answer to that question, improbably, is nothing, which is why it perplexes and hurts me so. But this is life. and we are in the same place in terms of our children growing up and into their own wonderful lives too, and it is a beautiful thing, but yet i feel so very lonely with them gone, and i need to take myself in hand about this, and fill my life with new and wonderful experiences, and this morning I wrote a list of all the things I might pursue, and all the things i can include in my days to lift the tone of things, to combat the loneliness, so that I can become a lighter partner to my husband too, who of course is dealing with his own feelings of loss, and who knew this passage would be so darn hard. But you, you shed light and love, my friend, and I am so grateful for you, you have no idea how much, i love you so.

Cheryl Finley said...

My heart is open wide for you and what you're going through. I feel you. Prayers...will do. Reading your heart's words brought to mind a small handcrafted metal plaque I have, sitting on my altar. May these words be of comfort to you: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1 -- (Each season..does indeed, come)

...and, one I keep in my heart (and on my blog as well): "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." -- Reinhold Niebuhr

Sending you love...(and a big hug)

Ginny said...


I am so sorry, I am only now reading this. You are an incredible woman. Have faith in yourself as you are still processing and beginning to heal. Betrayal is one of-if not-the worst thing you ever have to deal with. It takes time. It takes feeling, heartache, reflection, growth. You are working on it. Don't rush yourself. I will pray for you and send you as many positive vibes as I possibly can. You are in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers. Much love to you.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure how I found your blog, you know the drill, clink on someone's comment, and then again, and again...and the next thing you know you find a post that just touches your heart and you start to read.....
This touched my heart, I'll keep you in my thoughts, I understand I've been there, I hope the thaw comes soon and makes your heart happy again. Now I think I need to keep reading. :)

Thank you for sharing the good and the bad...but I think there is much more good on this blog than bad, I'm just sure of it.


Kathleen Botsford said... never sent me your beach address. I still have those books from our last chat. My family is in LA at the UCLA game this weekend...wanna chat???

Laura said...

please do give me a call sometime...or we could Skype and have a cup of tea together. join a meditation session in The Healing Womb... I know I've not been around much visiting... it has been a blissfully active summer, but autumn is here and I am here...hineni.


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