Monday, November 12, 2007

When Your Heart Lives Outside of Your Body

It isn't as often as I would like, that I get to see this these days. My four daughters, walking ahead of me as a little unit. Together, yet separated from myself, my husband, and the rest of the world, by an invisible bond that ties them, and only them, together.

Growing up was a bit lonely for me. Yes, I had lots of friends. I had a family that even included a brother, but he was four years younger than me, and got more of a kick out of making me angry, than anything else.(I should never have taught you how to walk, Rob:)) He would hide under my bed, and when I sat down to put my shoes on, he would grab my ankle and as I had a heart-attack, he would laugh a devious laugh. My parents met when they were fourteen and sixteen, and married when my mother was nineteen. That might work for some people, but for my parents, it was a huge error in judgement. They fought from the moment that I was born, until well, until now, even twenty seven years after their divorce.

But, that isn't what this is about, this was about watching my heart residing outside of my body. I have always wanted a sister. Don't ask me why, maybe it's because it is the one relationship that I have never, nor will I ever be able to have. Sitting here thinking about it, that could be why I have always wanted one so badly. I still have the luxury of thinking that my relationship with my sister would be perfect. I look at women who have sisters as being extra lucky, twice blessed. I am fascinated by their sisterly stories. I feel like something is missing in my life. I know that my sister and I would always watch out for each other. We might disagree at times, but if anybody ever had the nerve to try and hurt either one of us, look out for the wrath of the other one! My grandmother who passed away at ninety-one, had a sister who was six years younger than she was. They spoke every single week until the day my grandma died. They were even born on the same birthday. Interestingly enough, my grandmother passed away on my birthday, two years ago. She and I were very close, too. So, when I think about sisters now, I look at my girls. They are very close in age: from two and a half years apart, all the way down to twenty-two months apart. I joke with them that they are part of an exclusive club that nobody else in the world can ever be a part of. The club of people who once lived inside of my body! They laugh, and say, "Oh ma", but really I think they get it. I can see it in their eyes when they are alone, together. I can see it in their confidence as they walk down the street ahead of me. I can hear it in the giggles of their private jokes. They are sisters. They are a unit. They are four times blessed, and so am I.

God may not have given me the sister who I thought I needed, but he gave me four daughters. Four extraordinary individuals who share something that nobody else ever can. They each lived inside of my body, and on the way out, each one of them, with a tiny hand, grabbed a part of my heart and took it with them. So now, as I watch my heart living outside of my body, I realize that I am no longer lonely for a sister, because I, too, am part of a very exclusive club. I am part of the bond that holds my daughters together, and therefore, my heart is where it is meant to be. Not with a sister, but with my daughters.

We may not always get what we think we need, but in time, we are given what we truly need.

May your heart be safely residing where it is meant to be, and may those who own a piece of it, always, always know that they are twice-blessed.


KellyJean said...

I so understand what you are saying here. I grew up with two younger brothers, 4 and 8 years younger than myself. I did have an older sister that died when I was 6 months old. Even though there is no way I would remember her, I've grieved her loss my entire life. Interestingly, my two oldest are 14 months apart, the same (almost to the day) as my sister and I were. My oldest is a brunette and a personality like my sister's was (according to my mom) and my second daughter is blonde and similar in personality to me. They are 17 and 18 now and through the years I've often wondered if my sister and I would have been like them. They get along for the most part and I am so thankful.

Debra W said...


Thank you for stopping by. I am sorry that you lost your sister at such a young age. I am sure that you will always miss her, even though you can't remember her. In some ways, 14 months apart is like having twins! I am sure that as your girls were growing up, people asked you if they were twins.

Your comment really touched me. Thank you for sharing your story.


Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

I heard someone say that there has been a study done--I really wish I had the details, I'm sorry--anyway, this study said most pregnancies--MOST pregnancies start out as twins and one dies quite soon. I too have felt alone and when I heard that it resonated within me. I wonder if it is true and if so maybe you did have a sister and you have been missing her ever since. It sounds odd doesn't it?

Debra W said...

Thanks Lynne,

That is an interesting study that you mentioned! It actually touched me to read what you wrote. Maybe you are right, maybe there is some cellular memory that causes us to "remember" our twin...Definitely something to think about!


Melissa @ The Inspired Room said...

Thanks for coming over to visit at my blog! It made ME smile to see you there! I hope you will visit again!

I was reading about your struggles, wow! And then I was looking at this photo of your girls and tears came to my eyes. I love photos of my kids walking together from behind. Something very emotional to me about that image. I have two daughters that get along well. They are 3 1/2 years apart, but they get along so much better than my sister and I did! I am so happy they have each other!

Then there is my son! 8 years younger than his sisters. He is there to torment them, make them laugh hysterically, and their pride and joy.

Kids are something special! Thanks for touching me heart today and reminding me how much I am blessed!


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