Saturday, January 5, 2008

Fallen Angel or Why it Will Never Matter How Old I Am

Is there something which is buried deep within the DNA of a human being that causes us to harbor a gnawing, undeniable desire to please our parents? And if this genetic component exists, is there some way to shut it off? Aware of my body's own need to avoid stress and confrontation, I have worked very hard at removing many, many toxic factors from my life. I have done my best to simplify, yet my life is still sometimes a complicated web, woven between the alternating fibers of protecting myself versus fulfilling the needs of others. The largest spider in this web happens to be my mother.

I am struggling, truly struggling right now. I have taken what feels like a final step forward in a relationship which requires too much of me. There is only one avenue which makes sense right now, and it scares me. It makes me feel as if I am denying my own natural, genetically engineered response. How can someone choose between what they inherently feel is right, and avoiding something which they know can be toxic for their own health?

As I ruminate about the lessons that I am supposed to be experiencing during my lifetime, this one stumps me, and I suspect that it will for a very long time to come. As I search the rain heavy clouds which hover ominously close to the California landscape, I realize that this storm has been brewing for a long, long time. I know there will be sun again, but with the sun will there ever be clarity?

13 comments:

chickenliver.wordpress.com said...

Like a good rain or a high ball of good vokda, use whatever it takes to help cleanse and make things clearer.

Debra w said...

ChickenLiver,

Thank you for that advice. Cleansing is what I need to do right now. I am sure that it will help me to have a better perspective. I appreciate the comment.

With gratitude,
Debbie

Dayna said...

Oh. I feel for you. I had to end a very toxic friendship and it nearly killed me. In addition, my sibling relationships have taken a real hit in the last year because I refuse to allow the toxic crap into my childrens lives. It hurts, it so hurts. I'm sending good positive vibes your way. It's hard. So hard.

Ness said...

You have my most gentle hugs as I had that very problem with my father and now my own daughter who is 30. My father died 7 years ago so that problem went away. My daughter is ongoing. I had to realize that I could not change her or control her behavior that is so toxic to me, but I could change me and my choice to participate in it. I have drawn the line and I feel such freedom. I had to do what is right for me. Just because you are related to a toxic person doesn't given them an automatic bye into your life. It's a priviledge to be in someone's life and it sounds as if Mom has abused her priviledge. I will keep you in my prayers for wisdom as this toxicity is not good for your health condition. I repeat the mantras, "All will be well," and "I am worthy of being respected and having peace." and it helps me. You are in my thoughts as you go down this toxic road.

Humble Origins said...

...Oh Debra, I so feel for you on this. I think the whole 'family thing' is overrated so to speak. We're raised that blood is thicker than water and you do what you can "for family" and I say - no. Sure you can to a point when it means nurturing healthy relationships but when it becomes unhealthy for you to be in that relationship albeit parents, siblings, even children in some cases, you have to draw the line - you just have to.

...I took care of my mother in our home until she passed away 10 years ago and I have an older brother who my mom just adored and would do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g for. He used her until she became really ill and I took over her finances and then we never heard from him. My mom died waiting for my brother to show up at her death bed but he never did... But exactly two weeks after she died he called me wanting to know about her will and estate. My sister isn't as bad but didn't better by much but my relationship with them both is very strained and I try to distance myself from them as much as possible. I know that it is not what my mom would of wanted but it isn't out of spite as it is out of necessity for my well being.

...I'm so sorry for the long comment - now you see why I stopped my blog...lol ;o) Anyway, you are not alone Debra, just remember you have four beautiful daughters and a husband that are counting on you to be in their lives for a very long time and having negative people/relatives in your life stopped being a priority when you were diagnosed with this life threatening illness...now YOU are the priority. I know your daughters and dear hubby will agree! ;o) And not to mention, me 'n' all your bloggin' buddies! lol... ;o)

...You have my email address if you ever need to talk. Sending {{{{{hugs}}}}} and good thoughts your way Miss Debra! :o)

...God bless...

Alison said...

Debra, big hugs to you...I know what you are going through. I have a toxic relationship with one of my brothers and his wife and I have cut ties this year. It is very freeing and although I know it hurts my parents, it is right for my me and my family. It is so hard though....I feel for you!!

KellyJean said...

No answers for you but a big cyber hug and many prayers!

Sometimes when I am really upset with someone I write them a letter that is so ridiculous and over the top and that I would never ever send. I usually end up laughing. It is just a stupid stress reliever for me.

Humble Origins said...

...'kellyjean' has a good point there Debra - I've done that before, wrote a letter you'll never send and it is very helpful...

...Either way, you're in my prayers... :o)

Debra w said...

Can I just tell you all how much your very thoughtful comments mean to me? Hearing about your sad experiences with family members and friends really broke my heart, but I also know that your willingness to share your experiences will not only help me, but other people as well.

I felt each one of your faraway hugs, and they are still making me feel better, even now. I feel so lucky to have so many wonderful blogging friends. You really do make a difference.

Thank you, thank you. You are all the very best.

Hugs,
Debbie

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Keeping you in my thoughts as you struggle through this issue. In the short time I've "known" you, I can already tell that you are a sensitive, caring person that would not question a relationship unless there were real concerns.

Do what's best for you and your heart and know that there's a whole bunch of out there pulling for you every step of the way...

Hallie

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

How can you NOT love an Officer and a Gentlemen???? Richard Gere was so hot!!!

Hallie :-)

Peggy said...

I have confidence in your doing the thoughtful right thing, Debbie

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