Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Tides Change

I am thinking back about a year ago.  I am thinking about where I was almost exactly a year ago to this day, and where I have been over the course of the past three hundred eighty some odd days which have carried me to where I am now.  I have been wrapped inside of the thoughts both consciously and inadvertently, sometimes surprising myself with sobering contemplation and at other times, stopping to whisk back to a thought that seemed to whisper in and out without notice.  Cogitating and ruminating...And missing the heck out of those two wonderful children.

A year ago, on January 4, 2010, our attorney went before the Court to obtain a trial date for which we would plead our case as paternal aunt and uncle of my two young nieces to attain visitation.  I wrestled with this idea for the better part of two years but when my brother's wife, my sister-in-law, told me that she was going to keep my nieces from me and my family without any semblance of sanity, my thoughts became action.  It was necessary and loving and fiercely loyal on my part.  It was cruel and calculated and filled with hate for my SIL to keep the girls from us and us from them.  The lack of reasons we were given, strongly enforced the importance of doing everything within our power to remain positive, caring figures in these children's lives.  We couldn't, nor wouldn't, give up on them.  They had already lost far too much.  And so, at the start of 2010, our fight to stay in our nieces lives began.

In April of 2010, we went to the courthouse fully expecting to go through a trial.  Sadly, my SIL's attorney barraged us with irrelevant and unnecessary requests for personal information(that of which we always provided), canceled court dates, and did everything he could in order to postpone the date, time and time again.  My SIL was VERY insistent that she did not want a court order.  Her attorney made us an offer while we were sitting in the courthouse cafeteria while awaiting our trial time, and after some back and forth, we came to an "agreement"(for lack of a better word) that was neither binding nor court ordered.  We reluctantly settled because we were told that we could go back to plan A if at any time, things were not going well.  Things did not go well.  Tomorrow(1/11/11), our attorney will stand before the Court once again, requesting a date for trial.  Another year gone by, only five visits with the children in 2010, and more stress and money to be expended.  But here is the thing.  Whereas last year, I was feeling wrung out by this whole situation, I now find myself approaching what is to come, with a new found resilience and strength that wasn't as apparent before.  My center is calmer, I am clear about what I must do, and this is not the first thing that I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last prayer on my heart at bedtime.  Like the pains of childbirth, I can cognitively remember the deep-seated physical anxiety that I felt at this time last year, but, like the pains of labor, the memory is no longer causing any physical discomfort.  I know what it feels like, I know that it was worth the effort, and hopefully, like labor, my efforts will be well worth the expenditure of pain.
I have come to a place in time at which I can consciously evaluate the growth and transformation which has taken place over the course of a year.  And instead of constantly bombarding myself with self-depreciating scare tactics and unnecessary angst, I feel change in the way that I am responding to something that is greatly disconcerting.  I feel as if I have come a long way in accepting what is, even if "what is" is extremely unsettling.  I am not expecting to go through this trial without experiencing some anxiety or difficulty or pain.  But I am pleased with the knowing that I will be able to handle those feelings in a different way.  A clearer way.  A way that will not put as much undue stress and strain on my mind and on my body.  

Have Faith
Moons Change
Tides Change
Times Change
We Change

*Post-Script-The Court assigned a date for something called a "Mandatory Settlement Conference" which is over seven weeks away.  If we do not come to a settlement on that date, then a date for trial will be assigned at that time(another six-eight weeks past that date).  I am allowing myself to "feel" this for the next several hours and then no more. No more.


jojo said...

there is so much I want to say to you Deb but the time is not right for me now...please know I hold you dear to my heart and that I am thinking of you and the girls...j

Kathleen Botsford said...

One of my favorite things to feel, to experience, is the way inner shifts of consciousness sneak up on us when we are busy in another direction. I have felt this shift lately too. All of a sudden, I catch my breath and realize, this exact situation would have left me with anxiety not so long ago. My prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

Sending up prayers for you sweet friend. You will be in my thoughts. Hoping for the very best for you and the girls. Praying for you to stay strong, keep your spirits and faith high and just let this all unfold. Big hugs!

LauraX said...

such clear growth Debbie, and deepened connection to the strength that was always yours, and the peace that is yours to embrace as well. Justice, justice shall you pursue...for this it the justice of LOVE. Holding you and your sweet nieces in my heart, trusting that soon you will be holding them in your arms with all the hugs they have missed.

deb said...

oh , Deb, I don't know this story.
I cannot imagine.

It is so hard to set mental boundaries for things of love and passion . I am stewing on something minor in comparison and have been seeing how it is making me edgy and petty and sapping my energy.. that can't be good or right or helping anyone. Thank you for these words of wisdom.

I'll keep you , this, in my prayers.

Tracy said...

Wow! what hardship and tumultuous feelings you express and to come to a place of peace? That, my friend, is growth.
We don't know they why's of such a situation...I was guradian of a 14 year old and she was yanked from my life for no reason other than she was doing well with me and the parent was feeling guilty.
Wo while she is no longer in my life, I think of her frequently and pray for her safety and that's the best I can do...
the same can be said for you and your situation...
my thoughts and prayers are with you!

Ness said...

I've been such a neglectful friend the past few weeks with first one family crisis, my virus and the fibro rearing its ugly head. I pray for your nieces daily and can't help but feel that your brother will pull a few strings from Heaven to get his daughters with their aunt, uncle and cousins. I love you and know that I think of you often.

Neil and Susan said...

Hang in there Debbie. It will all work out, just don't let this affect your health. Be good to yourself while you wait and let it all fall into place. Surround yourself with your family and beautiful inspiring things, my friend. xoxo

deb said...

Thinking of you , Deb.

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