Saturday, July 26, 2008

July 27, 2008

I orchestrated what I might have the courage to write in this post, at least fifty times today.  I tried and tried to come up with the perfect words that might surmise the multitude of emotions which have been swirling tenaciously around my mind and circling my family's psyches throughout the day.  I wanted my words to reflect exactly what we all might feel, as another "first" approached reminding us each about where the oozing raw spots still lay open...unprotected by the small amounts of healing which have taken place over the past five short months since my beloved brother, Robert's, death.  I wanted this to be possible and right and healing.   And then my eighteen year old daughter called me crying because she misses her Uncle Robbie.  She was not with us, and it hit her suddenly and damn hard.  

Today would have been Robert's forty-second birthday.  He should have been forty-two.  He should have been allowed to turn forty-two.  We should be celebrating our July birthdays together, as we always had.  He should still be but who am I to question?

In order to keep myself from being sucked out into the cold murky waters of the undertow, and to save my family from some written word which might cause them tears which they might not fall into without my help, I am going to abstain from saying very much right now.  My husband and our Angels read my blog, and what I write sometimes elicits certain responses in them which might be hard for me to justify, today.  In other words, I want to be very gentle.   
So, we will spend the day by ear.  Doing what feels right and skipping the things that don't.  And with a little bit of hope, we will be able to gaze up to the sky at the end of the day, and know that we did not spend the day without my little brother.  Instead of being pulled out to sea in an uncontrollable roll of the waves, I would like to look back on this day with the ethereal feeling of flight and hope.  The hope that Robert knows how much we love him.  The hope that my nieces will be okay.  The hope that we will be allowed to see them once again without retaining an attorney.  The hope that a family which once was, will be allowed to be again.  The hope that my dear sweet Angel Nieces will once again, have the opportunity to get to know their Daddy through the closest person to their Daddy with a shared history.  Me, their Auntie Deb.  Keeper of a treasure trove of gifts which will be passed along lovingly and with the funny sense of humor that I shared with my only sibling.  I make this promise on the day of my brother's birthday.  I will be here for as long as it takes and for as difficult as the battle may become in order to be an intricate and supportive Aunt for my brother's daughters.  

I never quit the people whom I love.  Never, ever...

Remembering your birthday, Rob, and promising you once again that Mark and I and our girls will do everything within our power to help your girls grow up around people who truly care about their well-being.  

I love you, little brother.

9 comments:

Ness said...

Do you know, Deb, how blessed Robert must feel to know that you are still here keeping the family legacy going for his girls? How he watches you from above, gives you strength for the tough moments like his birthday and gives you a renewed fervor that like the little train that could, you will be able to be a part of his girls' lives. I can speak to the importance of this as after my mom died at the age of 13, her family abandoned me because my father remarried his former wife 7 months after my mom died. I grieve today at the loss of the connectiveness of the family I shared my formative years with. To have had an Auntie Deb in my life who could tell me the family stories and know from whence I came would have been the greatest gift I could have ever received. But all pain does not come without progress and I am setting the stage by talking and writing about the family I came from so my children will know about one of the happiest times of my life.

Know Deb that you and your big and little angels today are in my heart and that I pray that someday soon you will be telling the stories of your wonderful brother to his daughters.

Everyone needs an Auntie Deb in their lives.

kim-d said...

Know, Deb, that I hold you and your family in my heart today and you so carefully and gently honor your brother on his 42nd birthday. I will also hold your Angel nieces in my heart; that sanity will reign so that they can know their father through his sister. You are the blood connection between them and their father and the importance of that cannot be denied.

You already know how much I respect and cherish you, Deb. On this day, please know also that I am sending EXTRA love and hugs not only to you but also to your Hubby, Angel Daughters and Angel Nieces.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBERT.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

I agree 100% with ness and kim (just am not as good woth words to express my feelings) You are in our prayers and thoughts and so is your family (all of them)
Happy Birthday Robert
Hugs Laura

Blue said...

deb this was a most poignant post. i know we haven't met, and have only recently become "virtual friends", so i don't presume that anything i might say would be of much comfort. but for whatever it's worth, this i know. you will be with robert again. he yet lives. and you can make it through till you are joined together never to be apart. it won't be easy, but it is worth it. my prayers are for you and all those who are aching inside right now....may the spirit of comfort and peace hover low and be with you. you're not alone!

Catherine Holman said...

God Bless you and your family on this difficult day. May he give you strength to heal and to carry on his legacy through his children.
Hugs,
Cathie

jojo said...

Hope is very powerful Deb, and I know that Robert is grateful that you are trying to carry on his legacy. Someday soon your little Angels will know their Aunt Deb and will love and appreciate all that she has done for them. Your brother and your family are in my thoughts and prayers today. I hold you all close to my heart and ache for your loss.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBERT

Melissa @ The Inspired Room said...

What a tough day for you all. Sending you big hugs...

xoxo

Bogart in P Towne said...

I will love you for the rest of your life is not enough...I will love you for the rest of mine is a promise that we can make that really holds some weight...clearly you gave that to your brother.

Irene Latham said...

Deb - life is so hard sometimes. I admire so much the way you move through even the tough times. You are an inspiration. And yes, hope dies last. (I just TODAY put that on my blog!) Thinking of you and Rob and those sweet nieces...xxoo

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