Down the Rabbit Hole

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.  Nothing would be as it is, because everything would be as it isn't.  And contrary wise, what is wouldn't be.  And what it wouldn't be, it would.  You see?
-Alice, from Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carrol

When you do the right thing and you stand strongly behind your own beliefs and convictions, it can oftentimes cause other people to do the very wrong thing.  I have always taught my angel daughters that doing the right thing does not always feel good.  As a matter of fact, there are times when just doing the wrong thing would be so much simpler.  But I cannot live my life doing the wrong thing.  I will and I must stand up for what is good and right and just.  So I will move forward and continue to take the occasional foot jutting out to try to trip me in my path.  And sometimes as I stumble, all of the breath from inside me is momentarily knocked out of my chest, and the endless chasm is filled with pain and deep sadness.  Then I recover.

This little note came tucked inside of a wedding invitation that was addressed to my four daughters by first names only.  Obviously, I was meant to open the invitation because the note is inscribed to Mark and myself.  The invitation was specifically sent with the intention of excluding Mark and myself.  Very clear.  The whole thing sent to cause pain?  Alleviate guilt?  The note was not signed, which I found oddly confusing, but I knew that it was from someone whom I once considered my step-nephew(whom I have known for twenty-four years) and his fiance(whom I have known for over seven years).  Somehow, they have become involved in something that they neither understand nor, do they have any business being a part of.  My battle to keep my nieces, my deceased brother's children, in my life.  These people love us and miss us, and hope that someday we will be able to forgive them, yet this is how they have supported us since my only brother died.  Why does this cause my Jewish soul to think back to the nazis and the Germans who did not agree with what was happening, but who turned their backs on individuals who they once lived so closely with that they might have considered one another family?  I used to wonder how people could blatantly turn their backs while pretending not to see evil,  but throughout my life, the idea has become clearer and clearer.  Bullies win if, and I am emphasizing a huge if here, nobody stands strong enough against them.  Core values and ethics cannot be held onto only when situations are easy or convenient.  They must be upheld when put to the task.  This is why I am suing for visitation with my nieces.  This is why I can take the hits and stand back up.  This is why I have subjected myself to legal harassment(bordering on illegal) and have continued on.  Nobody would have faulted me for fading slowly into the background of my niece's lives.  Nobody would have questioned it if I allowed myself to be bullied away from loving those children.  Nobody but myself, and in their hearts, my daughters, and eventually, my nieces.  Those are the eyes that I would have someday had to look into while explaining why it was just too difficult for me to stand strong.  And even they would have understood.  But, they really would not have.

The thing about doing what is right, is that you don't have to look back someday on what you should have done  And why you didn't do it.  And most times, from my own experience anyway, the individuals who faulted you for doing what was right, come back asking for forgiveness.  Because even they will eventually get it.  But sadly, it might just be too late.


*My daughters will not be attending the wedding.  Not because we asked them not to, because we would never have done that, but because at twenty-two, twenty, eighteen and sixteen, they do understand what it means to stand behind their own convictions.