Sunday, January 29, 2012

Views From the Buena Vista

The beginning of our week started out like this.  Threatening clouds, wild waves, and just enough pounding rain to keep me inside with the shades raised high and a stack of books close to my side yet my eyes remained mostly trained on the horizon, my mind thick with thoughts.  I enjoy the sun, but I live for these dramatic days on the Pacific shoreline in which nature puts on the most spectacular of displays.  There is something about the turmoil on the outside matching the turmoil on the inside that creates a feeling of symbiosis deep within my soul.  I am drawn down into thought.  Thoughts about where I have been, thoughts about where I am now, and thoughts about where I will someday be.  The notary came by, last week, to have Mark and I sign paper after paper after paper as we are refinancing our beach home for a much better rate than we were able to lock into almost four years ago.  The words "in thirty years" flowed easily from the notary's mouth and stopped me cold in my thoughts as my hand systematically signed and signed and signed and signed and dated.  In thirty years I will be eighty years old.  80 years old.  My four Angel Daughters will be as old, or older than I am right now at this moment in time.  My nieces will be in their late thirties and early forties.  My parents will, most likely, be gone.  Long gone.  And my brother, he will still be only 41 years old...Has he had the chance to meet one of our heros, the larger than life Clarence Clemons, yet?  Dear God, I hope so.
Rainy days cause these kinds of thoughts to bubble up to the surface of my being.  The thoughts simmer there, oftentimes for days, bringing with them feelings of nostalgia, regret, hope, and renewal.
And as I take my old girl, my dog, Becca, outside, something in the water to the left of the bluff catches my attention and I am momentarily caught off-guard.  I hold my breath so as not to lose sight.  The surface of the water breaks with circular swirls of tiny bubbles.  Breath.  Air.  Life.  And then a fin...
And as I look down, she appears, gliding lazily along on currents.  My breathing somehow syncs along with her graceful dance along the water.  Under, above, under, above, like my moods when the rain comes and then leaves.
That evening, the sun returned just in time for sundown, the water smooth as glass.  It is 80 degrees outside here today.  The only clouds in the sky are wisps of cotton against the most beautiful of blues.  I am here, back to today, back to thirty one years away from my 80th year, back to life as it is.  I like it here. How to make the next thirty years slow down to a pace which does not feel like here and then gone?  That is the question that lays heavy on my heart.


Renee said...

Beautiful pictures and beautiful thoughts..ahhhh 80~ it is only 16 yr and 2 months until I turn that is shocking to me. I too wish I could slow down least the good days...maybe the not so good days too...just embrace each one and stand still in its presence knowing our Creator, and understanding that our life is so very precious.
Sending gentle warm hugs your way...

Tracy said...

ahhhh, beautiful photos of the dophin and the skies...just gorgeous! I often think of my age and Nicholas and pray to God that I live a long life for his benefit...

miruspeg said...

It is always a joy visiting your blog Deb. Your photography is breathtaking. And your words are well crafted.
To slow down time I greet each day by saying the date out loud (Monday 30th January 2012).
And during the day I also recall the date again, always out loud and give blessing and gratitude for this wonderful day.
Be well my friend.
Peggy xxxxx

Mark said...

You're killing me with this post. I think I've trained myself not to think about time. Although it's hard to do sometimes as I see my 11 year old son, who is nearly as tall as I am, going out to "hang out" with Friends. Or, sadly, when I look in the mirror. I'm certainly not afraid of getting older or of death. I just don't like seeing people that I love growing old or, in my Sister's case and like your brother's, dying at 41.
Yeah, once again you have me thinking and I try to avoid that.
Take care.

Kathleen Botsford said...

Beautiful post. Gorgeous photos. I love the stormy ones but that beautiful cloud filled sky is fabulous. And the lone apropos. Time does not stand still. Hopefully this awareness will help us ease into those coming years with less angst. xox

RottenMom said...

This post gave me chills. I have been completely lost in thoughts of my youngest turning 16 at the end of this year. My baby. 16. I can't stand it.

I know I've said it before, but my heart aches for the loss of your brother. Not right at all.

deb colarossi said...

The words and photos were so very moving Deb.
Life is such a balance of everything and I think you live with such intention , such integrity and eye for beauty.

I hope you are feeling well of late.

Meili said...

Hi Deb. It's been a while since I've "visited" you here, so I thought I'd check in. Beautiful words, gorgeous view! I love stormy days too. You know how some people love to wake up to sunny days? Well, I get giddy when I awake to thunder or rain sounds. Probably because those days are rare in Utah. Anyway... sending hugs to you and your beautiful family!

xo, Meili

Laura said...

how indeed...breath by breath...noticing the beauty around us and being present to it as you do...that's the only way.


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