Friday, December 14, 2007

Avoiding Toxicity, or How to Keep Your Wits About You

I have heard from so many others this week, that also have individuals in their lives who tend to complicate things. The world is definitely a smaller and less lonely place when you know that there are people out there who can identify with the situations which life presents. We are not responsible for the toxic family members who insist on trying to suck the life out of us. It is important to see them for who they are, and to deal with them on a level that is both comfortable and safe. At times, we must take a step back from these kinds of individuals. We must give ourselves time to heal and time to regroup. It has been my experience that these types of people need us much more than we need them. If we can keep this truth on the surface of our minds, it will be much easier to remain self-protective. It will be much easier for us to create the boundaries that are an absolute necessity in maintaining these sorts of relationships.

I am working very diligently to live by what I believe. I sometimes have to remind myself that I would not want my daughters to allow toxic people to stomp all over their boundaries. I should not want any less for myself. There are times in our lives when self-parenting becomes very important. Whether you have children or not, you must sometimes get to the point at which you should ask yourself if you would stand for the abuse that you are tolerating if the person being violated was somebody else who you care about. This is a question that should also apply to yourself. If you would not accept the behavior on behalf of somebody else, you should remember that you deserve that same amount of respect.

This is the time of year that can be both joyful and stressful. There are many individuals who are running around unaccompanied by a kind person, who will try very hard to add some extra aggravation to your day. Pay extra attention to your own needs, and how being around these people makes you feel. If you are tired, aggitated, hungry, or just plain overwhelmed, please, give yourself the time and attention that you need. Do not allow toxic individuals to suck the life-blood right out of your system. This includes family members and friends.

May you know your own breaking point, and put a stop to whatever is going on well before you find yourself there. May you be strong enough to limit your exposure to those who take too much out of your spirit.


Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Well said!

I have defintiely have a breaking point but I REFUSE to let people get close to it before SHMOOPS comes home. And hopefully after he's home, people will try really hard to STAY away from it.



Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Hey Deb,

Keep in mind I'm learning this whole blogger thing as I go so there are DEFINITELY better site trackers out there. I see them on other blog sites (in little boxes) and I think you could link to it by clicking on that box. I use Google Analytics - I uploaded a link onto my blog page in the layout section (no one sees it tracking - it happens behind the scene) Then, I can log into my google account and see thr break down of traffic - everything from where people are coming from (even New Zealand and China- my wieners are world wide!) how long they stay on a page, how many hits per day, etc.

It wasn't hard to do so you might give it try.


KellyJean said...

I think this is something that you learn as you age. I am much better at spotting those kinds of people now and putting boundaries in place before it becomes a problem. It is important to me to still be there for those people but not to the point where it affects my ability to be there for others. For the first time in my life I had to "break up" with a friend a couple of years ago. There was no other way to handle it and honestly, I think she is crazy. It was very painful because I don't like hurting anyone but it got to the point where she was so unstable that I couldn't allow my family to be subjected to her or to me and the stress of me trying to deal with her. I've run into her several times around town and it was always when I least expected it. Each time I've seen her it has gotten easier to talk to her but still maintain that boundary of not allowing her in my life. I do still pray for her when I think of her.

I learned a lot through that whole experience!

Ness said...

Once again, as I said in comment on your post before this one, your words reach right out to me and I appreciate them more than you can ever know. Have a great weekend!


Rising Rainbow said...

For many people this is easier said than done especially when it's family that's toxic.

Debra w said...

Rising Rainbow,

You are right. When it comes to breaking away from toxic family members, it is much easier said than done. That is something that I must work through on a consistent basis. I do find, however, that each time the same family member does or says something hurtful, it becomes easier for me to detach.

I think that we all do the best that we can when it comes to dealing with people who do or say things that we would never even consider doing to somebody else.

Thank you for stopping by, and for leaving a comment.


Alison said...

very appropriate and timely post...thanks so much!!

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