Fallen Rose Petals

I do not often write about my illness, as I am usually trying to distract myself from experiencing the constant pain that my body is forced to combat each day.  It is a daily battle for me.  I try to view it as something from which I am supposed to be learning.  Only there are truly days when I just want to cut school!

During the past several years, I have learned to live life at a much slower pace.  I was one of those Moms who was always running her children around from here to there.  I volunteered as a Room Mom in all of their classrooms and organized activities along with their teachers.  I went on every field trip, attended every assembly and assisted their teachers in any way that I could, usually with a baby or two on my hip.  I was the consummate Super Mom.  There was no stopping me from saying "Yes" to everything that I was asked to do.  

After all of my angels were in school, I felt "called" to our local hospital to volunteer as a Spiritual Care Counselor.  I was able to put my Psychology degree to work in a setting which allowed me the freedom to tend to people on not only an emotional level, but on a soul level, as well.  I felt like I was in the right place at the right time.  I suppose that is why I felt that my work at the hospital was a "calling" and not just another way to be of service.  Motherhood was my first calling and the direction that spiritual care was taking me in felt like a natural extension of that.

When I became ill, I had to learn to say no rather quickly.  I had to say no so that I could say yes to doctor's appointments, blood-work, having a core-biopsy taken from the bone-marrow inside of my hip and having MRI's which told the story of a sadly congenitally damaged spine.  Fused vertebrae, scoliosis, cervical stenosis, and a couple of herniated discs.  The main support system of my body was crumbling right before my eyes.  The fibromyalgia only aggravated my spinal conditions to the point that my entire body throbbed with pain.  I had to make some very quick and drastic changes.  I had to learn to say yes to myself.

Fibromyalgia can drain the life-force out of you.  It is debilitating in the way that only someone who lives with a chronic illness can understand.  If you do not listen to the "voice" of your illness, it will manage to get your attention in another way.  If you have never heard your body scream, you are a very lucky person.

So why the pictures of beautiful roses on a post where I am discussing the severity of my illness?  
Because I am learning from and listening to my body.  I am not always perfect at it and there are days when I rebel and try to pretend that I can do more than I really should, but for the most part, the pace of my life has slowed down.  I am learning, day by day, to stop and smell the roses.

Grammie Hoffman asked me if I would have been a working Mom had I not gotten ill with Fibromyalgia.  The answer to that question is an absolute no.  When Mark and I decided to become parents, we also decided that I would stay home with them.  There was never a question in my mind about being at home with my children.  I viewed them as my full-time job.  Mark, being the fully devoted husband and father that he is, worked his butt off so that I would be able to work my butt off raising our children.  We created a little cocoon of six in which our children could be nurtured and loved.  My only plans for when our girls got older and were all in school, were to utilize my time volunteering and starting a philanthropic foundation.  If I had not become ill, I still would have remained a professional Momma until all of my angels were out of the nest.  Fortunately, the one thing that my illness can never take away from me is my job at being a mom.  Mark and I have now arranged it so that he takes care of most of the physical stuff(ie. driving, going to all of their competitions, etc.), and I take care of the emotional and spiritual stuff.(ie. PMS, boyfriend problems, "Mom, I have nothing to wear!", etc.)
So, back to the roses and slowing down.  Having been a stay-at-home Mom for all of these years, my illness struck at a time when I was able to slow down.  My girls were all in school, so I was able to get them up in the morning, do all of the mommy things with them, and then come home and collapse until they needed to be picked up.  Over time, Mark arranged his schedule so that he could take over the mornings.  I don't really sleep at night.  I also have Restless Leg Syndrome which is very disruptive to my sleep.  Mark understood that having to get up early in the morning to get the girls ready for school and then having to drive to either two or three schools to drop them off, was not a very good thing for my health.  He jumped right in and picked up all of the slack which my illness created.  His generosity of spirit enables me to get all of the rest that I need while knowing that my girls are being well taken care of in the mornings.  He is such an amazing husband and father.  Without him as my life partner, I honestly do not know what I would have done.  He has given me the space I need to create a life that is both manageable and productive.
And so, although the petals must eventually fall from the roses, there is still absolute beauty which is inherent in each rose.  The same is true of people.  Eventually, the body begins to age and things do not work as well as they used to, but there is still absolute loveliness in the essence of each individual which will never fade.

I am learning not only to stop and smell the roses, but to examine their thorns and blemishes and to find the beauty in those, as well.

My blessing for you is that you are able to find some time, a moment in your day, to slow down and take it all in.  Smell the roses, but observe the beauty in their fallen petals.  Cherish not only the perfect, but the imperfect.  May you slow down enough to appreciate who you are now, and say thank you for all that you are still capable of.