Monday, May 5, 2008

Until We Meet Again

Why does the mind often bring up things which we do not particularly want to think about?  For instance, why must I put up with having a dream about my mother in which she is chasing me around trying to get me to give her a hug.  In the dream, I keep telling her, "No, it's too late now.", but she persists.  She persists until I wake myself up, obsessively replaying the dream in my mind trying to make sense of it.  After all, she is the one who has caused this rift and I am the one who must live within the ruins of the aftermath.  Yet if I were approached in a loving way, by any one of my now estranged extended family members, my heart would surely open up and I would forgive.  I would forgive because that is what I do.  I would forgive because I am not the one who wanted any of this strife to begin with.  I would forgive because this is so stupid.  I would forgive because I love.
Just in case you have not figured it out by now the angelic little face in these photos is my little brother.  When he passed away suddenly, eleven weeks ago, his death threw our little family into an immediate cyclone.  It has not gotten any better, which is something that I am very, very sorry to say.  I come from a family of right-fighters.  They enjoy the battle, even when there should not be one.  I hate to admit that as much as I loved my brother, he was of the same mold.  Probably the major reason he became an attorney.  I am the aberration.  I have always been the one who seeks peace.  There is something in my soul which seeks out gentleness.  I guess there has to be a "black sheep" in every family.
Today was a pretty bad day for me on the grief front.  And the more I think about it, the more I realize that it directly relates to the dream which haunted me in my sleep.  I don't think we realize how much dreams can affect how our days go, but there is something about the good old subconscious.  Whether we realize it or not, our dreams can affect our waking hours in ways that we do not even fully recognize.
I miss my brother.  My heart is broken in places which will most likely never mend.  We were supposed to grow old together, laughing and picking on each other and sharing little secrets which only people who have grown up together would understand.  He was not supposed to leave me at the young age of 41.  41, a number that will stick inside of my brain for the rest of my life.

Some days are better than others.  A few have been okay but many are still unbearably painful.  I have a great life.  A storybook life with an incredible husband and beautiful daughters.  A unique and supportive family which we worked very hard to create.  But I am sad, and I suspect that I will feel sad underneath all of the happy, for a very long time to come.  Life is like that, isn't it?

I am praying for better dreams tonight.  Dreams in which my brother is alive and whole.  Dreams in which he does not have to return to wherever he is, right now, and say good-bye to me once again...

14 comments:

Laura ~Peach~ said...

hugs and prayers

Cucina Cara Mia said...

I am sorry for the loss of your brother. 41 is way too young. Was he a husband and father? My Dad died at 51, why are they taken so young? You have been through a lot. Hope you have sweet dreams tonight

Peggy Payne said...

Debbie, You're dealing with some tough stuff in these last two posts. I'm sorry about all the losses. Too much.

Lovely picture of you and your handsome brother.

Alison said...

big hugs to you my friend...I wish I could give you one IRL, but a bloggy hug will have to do. I can completely understand your feelings about your family strife...I too am in the midst of a strife with a family member and I hate it...it is stupid and childish...and it is out of my hands now and I have had to let them go, out of my life, for my sanity...

Please take care of you self...email me if you want to talk, or if you want my phone number I can email it to you..

Dayna said...

41 is way too young, and when a death causes a rift, it's never ever good. I too am praying for better dreams and significant healing.


I've learned overtime, healing doesn't always mean the relationship is back on track, sometimes it means we've come to peace with what it is.

Hugs my friend.

Angel... said...

Debbie, I am so sorry for your loss.

Take care of yourself.

Kari & Kijsa said...

Blessings for you and all your family as well,
kari & kijsa

Bogart in P Towne said...

The pain of loss is one that we get numb to at certain times, but comes roaring back like a hungry lion when we least expect it.

I am sorry for your loss.

Grammie Hoffman in WA said...

Oh Deb Dub,

Wish I could give you a "Grammie hug". I've been enjoying your poignant analogies of life during breaks from farmwork...this post really stabbed my heart tho.

I think our subconscious replays moments of life in dreams to see what emotions they evoke. After my daughter's brain was damaged at 3 by an illness, I dreamed she had fallen out of the back of my jeep, on the freeway going 70 mph., every night for mo. Once I realized my mind was "testing" to see how I felt about losing her because I REALLY loved her, damage and all, they went away.

Gut wrenching pain was actually a GOOD thing? Ironic how our brains work! Now, whenever I have a nightmare, I think, ok, what does this emotion prove?!

I just know the dreams keep coming back until you except and deal w/ them.

Does any of this make sense? Hope you don't mind me being a "grammie"!?

By the way, I loved your post about the roses...I'm in the "potpourri" stage; old petals, still usable! HUGS!!

Melissa @ The Inspired Room said...

You poor dear. My heart breaks just reading about all you are going through. Take care, dear friend. One step at a time.

{HUGS}

tj said...

...Oh dear Debra, I am so at a loss for words - this is one of those times when I wish words didn't have to suffice. I wish I could give you a look, touch your shoulder, give you a hug, share in a prayer...something other than typing mere words. While I've only met you via cyberspace my heart aches for what you are having to go thru right now.

...While you will never be able to return to that place where your brother is there to talk to or to touch, you are on a journey to a new place, a place where his memory and his spirit lives, in this place he will never go away... It will take time and tears and understanding to arrive at the new place but it will happen. I promise.

...And with the family issues, I know this may sound silly but sometimes it works (it has for me at various times :o). Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down what your family is doing that is ailing you - wad up the piece of paper with all your might and simply toss it in the waste basket! I have even gone as far as to stomp on the lil' wad of paper and throw it in the woodstove! Yeah, my family gets to me THAT much! lol... ;o) I know, I know, you're thinkin' I've flipped my lid but Debra it's worth a try... ;o)

...Either way, please keep your chin up and know that we are all here and praying for you and sending you lots o' hugs too!

...God bless you dear friend here's to nothing but good dreams from now on!... :o)

Irene Latham said...

Hang in there, Deb... hope today is a happy Mother's Day for you. xxoo

Coffee Bean said...

Oh Debra... I am so sorry for all you are going through. I, too, am a peacemaker by nature. It is so hard when you cannot do what you are meant to do. It takes the grief to another level and you feel helpless. I am praying for you friend.

Jerusalem said...

What a sad thing to lose someone you love, and how much sadder to have a rift within your family. I can sympathize with you there and I understand the dreams completely. I hope you are getting more rest and better dreams these days...

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