Thursday, September 24, 2009

Duality, Pain and Strength

I am trying. I am trying. I am trying. And the harder that I try, the more the confusion whirls throughout my mind like a seaside carnival ride on a sizzling summer afternoon. The sensation of possibility allows me to experience a certain ethereal freedom, but then the ride comes to an abrupt stop. The warm breeze ceases. And I am back to where I began...Trying, trying, trying.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with somebody about the duality of one of my most dominant personality traits. I do not give up on those I love. Call it loyalty, allegiance, stupidity or the faithfulness of an old, stubborn dog. I will piece together the shrapnel of a relationship until there is barely anything worth saving. But if there is anything worth fighting for, I will remain high up on that hill of hope. This is one of the spiritual reasons for my chronic illness. I am not saying that physical illness is not physical. Nope. Never. Absolutely not. What I am conceding is that every, and I mean every illness, from a simple headache to cancer, contains a spiritual component. The soul is connected to the mind is connected to the body. Each one affects the other. So, in many ways, my undying loyalty is detrimental to my own health. I have come to understand this very, very well.

The other side of that very sharp sword is this. I do not give up on those I love. I do not take the easy road. I often remain loyal long after others would run in another direction, screaming as if their hair were on fire. I will stand strong. This makes me someone worth knowing. It may be detrimental to my physical health, but herein lies the duality. This is one of the qualities that gives me the ability to look at myself in the mirror every single day of my life.
At the moment, I am once again being challenged spiritually, emotionally and physically from more than one corner of my life(in turn, so are my four Angel Daughters and my husband). And since I am still lacking the wings in which to rise high above it all, I am being forced to decide if this is the hill that I would figuratively choose to die on. In one instance, the answer is quite complicated. In the other, there is no alternative option other than to give up and give in. I have already established that this is not my style. I must try.

So I stand here from my vantage point up on the hill, and the view is definitely somewhat overwhelming. But I can gather so much strength from those who love me, from what I feel but cannot see, and from you. From my perspective, that makes it feel as if there is an entire army standing behind me waiting to charge if needed.

May the beginning of autumn bring with it many exciting possibilities for whatever it is that you would like to achieve in your life. May the change of seasons energize you by adding newer and more vibrant colors into your tapestry. And may it allow you to settle into a cozier version of yourself.


Maria-Thérèse said...

I don't know what has happened but I do firmly believe you will make it through. *hugs* from across the world.

miruspeg said...

Debbie you will always have an entire army standing behind you waiting to charge!
Only by being tested do we examine our focus on life, its meaning, our purpose and our happiness. Only by reassessing, do we grow.

I am ALWAYS inspired by Marianne Williamson's poem "Our deepest fear"........I read it every day, it helps me to remember not to play small and to shine my light so others will do the same.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

You are such a shining light Debbie so keep smiling and keep shining.

Big hugs

chandelier magic - beach house said...

i like you

Laura Hegfield said...

Powerful Deb,
I agree wholesoul that b/m/h/s are intertwined...This makes me realize that I need to pay more attention to the soul traits involved in my disease process...what am I holding on to? what am I pushing away? what is going on beneath the surface of my visceral surface? So I will sit with this for a while...feels like a SoulCollage card want so be created about this. HMMMM.

blessings/curses always two sides of the same coin...

mersilkee said...

Thanks for your post. You made me feel not alone when you said, "I don't give up on the ones I love." I have a terminal illness and have not received the emotional support I had hoped from some people that I love very much. I have always taken friendships seriously. If I make a commitment to be your friend, then you can count on me.
Unfortunately, I am not able to do the things for my friends and family as I use to be able to. I have learned now that there are times I have to let go but still I want to kindle with kindness that last spark left of a relationship. But, since I am very ill, I have to learn to provide emotional support within the limits of my illness. For some people who have always had my full support emotionally,physically and spiritually, my limited abilities to help have caused problems. I do the best I can day by day.

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