The Ties That Bind

It is June.  June is the month of my oldest daughter's birthday.  June brings summer and June Gloom and eventually, July, which is the month of my birthday and my brother's birthday and some unexplained and mostly unexplored anxiety which I do believe that I must take some time to understand this year.  My favorite grandmother passed away on my birthday several years ago, but I do not believe that that has anything at all to do with my "July anxiety" because it seemed to have started well before her death.  Sometimes, I think that my grandma's passing on my birthday was sort of a Universal pox on my irrational anxiety.  Like "Here.  If you are going to be all weird about your birthday and stuff, we will add something else, something more concrete that will make it even more burdensome for you."  Or, "You really aren't that important, Debra, so do not believe that other people celebrating the fact that you are still here to be celebrated means anything more than that you are just another year older."  Silly, I know.  And the interesting thing is that I love life, I really do.  And I understand that in order to continue having a life to love, I must also have birthdays to grow older on.  Like my grandmother always told me, if you want to live, you have to get old.  And it isn't necessarily the growing older part of my birthday that bothers me.  I do not mind that at all.  There are many benefits to growing older and wiser and more comfortable in one's own skin.  But while I am contemplating this, I must ask if there is anyone else out there who shares in this birthday anxiety?  I witness other people getting very excited about their own birthdays and I do, too, but it makes me wonder where my own apprehension might have come from.

So here we all are in the month of June.  Angel Daughter Number One will be turning twenty-six at the end of this month which is almost hard for me to fathom as in my own mind, she is still a very young woman.  Truthfully, I am finally coming to the conclusion that this child of mine is finished being a child.  This has been a somewhat difficult concept for me to grasp as she has always been so easy to mother which makes it even easier for me to continue doing so.(She is a pretty good sport about it.)    But she does not really need me to do that part of the job anymore.  I mean, I know that she will always need me to be her momma, but as far as the unasked-for advice, etc., etc., I would rather not sound like the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons.  I am learning to back off.  I am learning that when she needs me, she will come to me.  I am learning that AD1 is pretty much cooked.  I definitely cannot complain. Look at my girl, she is self-assured, considerate, compassionate and beautiful.  As her momma, there is nothing that I could wish for her to be that she is not already in the process of achieving.  It is a little bit frightening to know that I am on my way out of a job that I have so loved doing for twenty-six years, but this is the truth whether I want it to happen or not so I might as well enjoy the process.

So I move on to Angel Daughter Number Two...My wild child, per say.  The one who can cause my heart to pound wildly in the middle of the night without logical reason, but just because I know.  And yet, she always seems to figure her way out of the dilemmas that are sometimes self-created and sometimes, not.  This child is twenty-three years old and although she will tell you that she has been "on her own" since she was eighteen, that is so not true.  She flies freely under the very watchful eyes of her parents and her extremely proud, extremely supportive grandfather even when she sometimes flaps her wings like a wayward bird whose wings have been temporarily clipped by her own impulsive actions from time to time.  I cannot say that this one is fully cooked yet, but I do have to watch the way that I respond to the manner in which she approaches the world.  It it very different, not bad, just different and unusual.  She is, after all, a creative soul and creative souls can have a very different way of approaching life.  AD2 is a free-spirit who views the world from a distinctive and much further elevated perch.(If she can get there, it is definitely worth the effort of the climb!)  I often find myself observing this child in the way that I would view a very beautiful, rare bird that loves the idea of self-survivial but needs the security of others to occasionally feather her nest(and fill her refrigerator).  She wants, so badly, to do things on her own, but she just isn't as ready as she sometimes believes that she is.(Sir, I was born ready!)  It is all good, though.  I know that AD2 is absolutely capable of amazing things, things that other twenty-three year olds could not even imagine achieving.  Being her momma is something that I know that I was meant to do, so I will do it in whatever way she needs me to for however long it takes.  Nothing could make me prouder or happier.

Angel Daughter Number Three just completed her AA degree from a community college, received her first "A" in math, ever, and will be moving on to attend a college that is nine hours away in August to complete her Bachelor's Degree in Psychology.(Just like her momma:))  In some ways, AD3 is our late bloomer, but she is also very thorough in making sure that she is comfortable with one step in life before she moves on to the next one.  It is going to be very difficult when she leaves, I am fully aware of that and I know that I will come down with another case of "empty-nest syndrome" when she goes.    She has been dating Zach for a couple of months now.  He is the brother of AD1's boyfriend, Matt.  They fell pretty fast and quick when they met and have been inseparable ever since.  I'm not exactly sure how the Universe is going to work this one out come August, but it is all part of the major scheme so I am confident that if they want it to work, it will.  Mark and I both really like Matt and Zach so if things are somehow meant to be, we would not complain.  Life has a funny way of working things out, so we shall see what happens in the future.

Angel Daughter Number Four...What can I say about this little bundle of teenage energy.  She is like a whirlwind of enthusiasm and kinetic chatter that bounces from moment to moment, place to place, leaving people smiling from ear to ear in her path.  And although she is in the midst of her final year as a teenager, she is finally now going through a somewhat rebellious stage.  I should have known that it was coming.  It is normal and healthy and necessary.  I was just sort of hoping that we could just skip that portion of the process with this mostly happy, mostly agreeable little soul.  AD4 is still dancing up a storm, going to college, and working while also keeping up with her full social calendar.  Her ability to bring people joy through the art of dance is mesmerizing and I am so proud of her confidence and skill.  I only hope that she takes full advantage of the natural ability that has been given to her so that she does not look back with any regret.  She truly is that good.

The love of my life.  This man whom I have spent the past thirty-three years of my life with.  We have been together since we were freshmen in college and have been married for almost twenty-nine years.  We continue to build a life together that is both joy filled and upbeat.  Yes, we definitely share in the difficulties that being alive throws at everyone, but we choose to deal with them in a way that allows us to keep the bright side mostly in tact.  We try to remember that we are always in this together and we do our very best to work as a team.  Most importantly, we remain deeply in love with one another and that is something that sustains us through even the heaviest of storms.

Even as we watch our four children walking into their own futures, we steadfastly remain two people who will share in ours together and in that, we both find deep comfort.

The pelicans have been returning to San Clemente, and with them, another season has passed and another June has arrived.  Watching my children leave and return and leave and return and then, eventually leave without returning alone, has been a process for me.  It has been a process filled with the bittersweet proclivity of both transformation and also, displacement.  I am excited about what is to come for them, but I am scared about where it will leave me in my newest phase of life.  Who will I be when I am no longer known as my children's mother?  Where will my own purpose lie when the most important job that I could ever conceive of in my life is mostly finished?  How do I discover who I will now become?  I have so much to learn and for the first time in my entire life, I am feeling a little bit lost.    I always knew what would come next...College, job and marriage, children...Now, I am just not that sure.  I've never had a role model to guide me.  No other woman to look to as an example of how it is all done gracefully, at least not one whom I know personally.  It's a bit disconcerting.  I know that I can rely on the support, love and encouragement of my husband and our daughters.  I know that they will cheer me on in whatever direction I choose to fly.  But where do I even begin...I have most of the tools, but I still need a compass, and a map, and a GPS, for that matter.

Happy June!

All is Well

*You might want to grab a cup of coffee because this is a long one:)

So I was just reading a blog in which the "writer" proselytized that the reason that Hurricane Sandy wreaked havoc over sixteen states across the East Coast is because, wait for it, wait for it...the people who reside in those sixteen states somehow deserved to be bashed by a megastorm of epic proportions.      According to this woman(who is raising eight children with epic stupidity and bigotry), it is the fault of the gays and the damn liberals and the Obama supporters and the non-Christians and anyone else who might not agree with her- I mean-the only religious doctrine that should exist in this country.  I am mostly non-political.  I believe that gay people should have the same rights as straight people.  I actually supported neither candidate in this past election.  I am moderately liberal on some issues and moderately conservative on others.  I have been married to the same man, with whom I have birthed four daughters, for over twenty-eight years.  I am Jewish.  I am a born and bred New Yorker who has raised her children(quite well, I might add) for their entire lives on the West Coast of this great nation.  Which is why, if I were to follow the logic according to the "gospel" of this woman and others like her, God probably decided to track me down in Southern California to create a little Hurricane Sandy in the lives of the people who are closest to me? Since He was already ticked off enough to completely batter the worlds of countless East Coasters(many of whom are God-loving Christians like herself) why not do a bit of picking and choosing on the West Coast at the same time just to prove that we(the people who do not believe what she believes) have also so offended God that He is going to pummel us all into subservient submission(to heck with free-will).  I am losing patience with this idiotic line of thinking.  My mother-in-law sent me a fictional book to read several months ago that meandered down this same, exact road and as much as I love her, I nearly conducted a good, old-fashioned book burning ceremony in my own backyard.  I forgave her for truly believing the bull-shit that was written inside of that book as anything but fiction, but this particular blogger who took it upon herself to tell hurting people that Hurricane Sandy came crashing down on them because GOD IS ANGRY AT THEM made my heart sink down into the pits of my stomach.  Yes, there is a lot of hurtful crap that is written on the Internet and yes, this woman has the right to believe anything that she darn-well pleases, but to use her blog as an instrument of hate, to stick her proverbial tongue out at the poor people who were so devastated in the path of this monstrous storm while saying "Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!" gross, just gross.  So, to stand in unity with my East Coast friends and family members(incidentally this includes my mother-in-law who lives on the Jersey Shore) I am posting a sampling of the crap sandwich which has been dealt out to our family over the course of the past five weeks with a bit of a different perspective on crap sandwiches.

Anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis probably already knows that my dad, my touchstone, recently suffered a heart attack which was followed by quadruple bypass surgery.  My dad has made many strides in his recovery and is doing so much better now.  His recovery, and not the episode which led up to it, is what I attribute to God.  As I explained in my previous post, I believe that my father was given a second chance at life because his work on this earth is not yet complete.  That being said, I do not believe that my father's heart attack was caused by God.  Heart attacks are acts of nature, just as hurricanes or earthquakes or tornadoes are.

The heart attack seemed to just be the tipping point for us.  The vehicle in the photograph above used to belong to Angel Daughter Number Two.  I say that it used to belong to her, because some brainless schmuck chose to get behind the wheel of a car drunk, and then proceeded to plow into the front of my daughter's car head-on, very late one night a couple of weeks ago.  She sensed him coming but it was too late.  He hit her in such a way that her car uncontrollably spun around a full 360 degrees deploying the airbags and leaving her stunned and in pain as she tried to put together the pieces of what had just happened.  From out of nowhere, a young man on a bicycle ran to her aid helping her out of the vehicle and retrieving her cellphone from inside so that she could call for help.  When AD2's boyfriend arrived on the scene, the driver admitted to him that he had been drinking.  The drunk remained on the scene for several minutes until AD2 noticed him limping across the road and then, out of sight, leaving nothing but his vehicle behind.

That was the same week that I arrived home after spending eight days out in Palm Springs.  Mark met me out there(two hours away from home) for the weekend after my dad was released from ICU leaving our two youngest Angel Daughters in charge of the farm.  On Saturday night, Angel Daughter Number Four called and mentioned that our dog, Micah, was limping after she had taken him to play with her boyfriend's dogs for the afternoon.  When we spoke to her on Sunday, she said he was still limping but seemed to be doing better so we didn't think too much about it.  When I arrived home at around 10:30 Sunday night, the dog was not limping.  He was dragging his leg behind him and yelping anytime that we touched it to look at it.

*Notice my suitcase still yet to be unpacked in the background.

By Tuesday, Micah was in surgery to replace his torn ACL with metal pins.

And somewhere in the midst of all of this, my husband managed to fracture his wrist in two places.

And you know what my mantra was for the entire time that all of this was taking place?  It can always be worse.  There was nothing facetious about this.  No sarcasm.  No blaming God.  No believing that the Lord had been particularly harsh on my family as a way to "punish" us for my gay-loving, non-Christian, Jewish, moderately liberal, moderately conservative views.  

It was my choice and my belief to focus on where I know God is in all of this.  It is for the same reason that I know that God did not bring Hurricane Sandy down on the lives of all of the people who live in the sixteen states that were affected by such a mega force of nature to punish them.  Because no matter how bad things might seem, they can always be worse.  And no matter how difficult the storms that we must face might seem at the time that they are happening, there are always angels, even human beings with invisible wings or bicycles who will swoop in to help or to rescue or to lend a hand.  No, crazy woman who had the audacity to write that God used the tragedy of a megastorm to punish whomever happened to reside in its way, God did not create the hurricane in order to express His anger. 

A hurricane is an act of nature.

A heart attack is an act of nature.

A broken wrist or a torn ACL, both acts of nature.

A drunk driver barreling down the road without concern for anyone but his own need to get where he is going impaired out of his mind, that is an unfortunate and evil act of free-will.

But a surgeon who can repair a badly damaged heart and save a life, 

millions of people coming together to support those who were traumatized and damaged and devastated  by a storm,

people putting their own lives at risk with barely a thought for their own safety in order to rescue others,

a veterinary surgeon who can replace the ACL of a dog with staples and pins so that he can run again,

a stranger on a bicycle who stops in the middle of the night to come to the aid of someone else's daughter,

that is where God is.

The photo above is of AD2 and Micah, now.  They are both still dealing with the after effects of what they have been through, but they are healing and safe and alive.  The little red car in the photo is AD2's new Prius Hybrid.  The insurance company declared her other car totaled after the accident and sent her a check almost immediately.  There is an investigator assigned to her case and he is going to find the driver of the vehicle that could have killed my daughter.  Things can definitely always be worse.

Through it all, there are always wonderful moments intertwined with the difficult ones.  Here are just a few.  These are the moments that remind me of where God is in the mix.

Angel Daughter Number Four, our tiny dancer, asked me to come observe as she taught some dance classes.  As I sat there observing, several of the parents who were also observing their own students began talking about what an incredible teacher AD4 is.  They did not realize that I was there to watch her and that I am her momma.  I just sat there and smiled.

Halloween 2012.  Angel Daughter Number Three dressed up as one of the characters from the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas.  Once she got the full face make-up done, she looked amazing!

Angel Daughter Number One likes to ham it up for me when I have the camera because she knows that it will make me go away faster.  That being said, I adore this child.

Angel Daughter Number Two did a photo shoot at our house last weekend.  It was so much fun to watch her work.  Our house was buzzing with energy as the make-up artist, stylist, models and their boyfriends busily worked together to create some gorgeous images.

I will definitely post some of the finished products here soon.  Such a fantastic group of young people.  Watching AD2 orchestrate everything made me a very proud momma.

Last week, we had a Disney Day as a family.  I think this photo pretty much sums up what kind of a day that was.  It is not as often as I would like that we can get together for an entire day to be together as a family now, but when we do, I am nothing but grateful.

My prayers go out to the many people who were affected by Hurricane Sandy.  May you find strength in each other.  May you find healing in the rebuilding of your lives, and may you find peace in the moments that remind you that things can always be worse.  Oh yes, they can.

Universal Studios, Hollywood, Tour Guides and Why we All Need More

We finally made the trek up to the magical land of Hollywood(over two hours with Los Angeles traffic) so that we could go on Angel Daughter Number One's Universal Studios tram tour of the famed back lots.  Little did I know when I was a small child of eight years old visiting Universal Studios, Hollywood with my family from back home in New York, that I would someday have a daughter who would work as a tour guide at the studios.  Back then, I watched in awe as Alfred Hitchcock stood on the set of a movie that he was filming and stopped to wave at our tram.  Forget the fact that I did not really understand who Alfred Hitchcock was.  He smiled at my brother and I which really impressed the tour guide at the time because he said that Alfred Hitchcock NEVER smiled at anyone.  Funny how that left such an indelible impression upon my young, still-developing brain.  As I intently listened to my daughter's spiel over the intercoms on our recent tour, my "Alfred Hitchcock" memory came flooding to the frontal most lobes of my mind and seemed as clear as if it had happened only yesterday.  And yet, here I was, with the family that Mark and I created, feeling as if that moment could have happened in a totally different lifetime.  Maybe in some ways, it really did...Who knows?

The lovely tour guide did turn the camera around on us which was very cute.  I'm not exactly sure if all of those puzzled looking folks behind us realized that we were her family, or just a crazed bunch of tourists who really wanted to sit in the front rows.  There were another two full cars behind ours, as well.  Lucky for us, we do have our connections.

Not that there is any kind of family resemblance or anything that might tip people off to the possibility of nepotism.

AD1 puts on a very entertaining tour filled with corny jokes and lots of interesting information.  It was very impressive that she was able to talk for OVER AN HOUR without a full script in front of her.  Our other three Angel Daughters loved going through Whoville which is where The Grinch Who Stole Christmas was filmed.

Even California natives enjoy being consummate tourists when their own sister is the tour guide!(or when they get to go through the actual Whoville!)

AD1 used computerized controls to set certain exhibits into motion during the tour.  She used her special powers to strategically time it so that the shark from the movie Jaws would pop up out of the water just in time to scare the bejesus out of us.  Meet Bruce.  Bruce is one of the mechanical sharks that was used in the movie.  When he suddenly pops up out of the water and lunges at you, he seems real.  Very, very real.  Fun stuff!

As AD1 sat and talked to Mark and I, the other angels decided to ride Jurassic Park.  I watched as rider after rider came down the hill to huge splashes.  Most of them got soaking wet.  Then, there were my girls.  Not only had they strategically placed themselves in the middle of the car, but they were all covered in yellow plastic schmattas which they had purchased in the gift shop on the way in to the ride so they shouldn't get drenched.  They were prepared!

There was no way that they were going to get wet!  They even ducked down and held each other as they descended down the watery mountain.

Making sure that the coast was clear of any impending droplets, they began to emerge from their safe little bubble.

Necessary primping ensued...

And then, at that moment they realized.  Why in the world aren't we wet???

All of that planning for the onslaught of a water-logged soaking, and not a single drop touched their precious plastic garbage bag poncho covered bodies.

Such is the day in the life of a Jewish American Princess.  I don't know what else to say about that.

Except, that my insane children got me to agree to ride on The Mummy!  Try to ignore that lady in the second row.  Instead, please direct your attention to the man sitting next to her who looks like he is about to embark on a lovely Sunday ride.  Honestly, I  just do not know sometimes...

On the way up to Hollywood, we were treated to some sights that can only be witnessed in Southern California so I thought that I would share a couple of them with you.  This is the famous Capitol Records building.  There is a blinking light at the top of the building that blinks out the word "Hollywood" in Morse code.  It has done so since the building was completed in 1956.  The entire building is round and is meant to look like a record player.(Remember those old dinosaurs?)

And then there is this Ferrari which lists for approximately $390,000 but that is only if you can get one.  The demand for them is so high that people are willing to pay an extra $100,000 just to jump the waiting list.  Um, yeah.  It's a car.  Good to know that there are some folks out there who have much more to worry about than paying this months mortgage.  Just thought I would share...

Life is pretty good in the Four Angel's Momma household.  There have been a lot of changes, but mostly for the best.  Spiritually, I am feeling much more connected these days.  Interesting how that happens when we do not really expect it.  Sometimes I think that we are going along, just going along, as God, our angels, the Universe, whomever, remains quietly in the background observing but not really intervening.  Then suddenly, like a parent who has stepped back to allow for more independence and growth, God just knows when we need more.  I needed more.  I needed more from my family, my husband and my children.  I needed more from myself, I needed more from some sources that I understand that I will never get it from and that is okay, but mostly, I needed more from God.  And maybe, just maybe, there are times in our lives when we are too shut down or shut into ourselves to hear the subtle messages which quite possibly, are always there, sort of like the lights blinking out the word "Hollywood" in Morse code from atop the Capital Record's building, or the Whos on the tiny speck in Whoville.  I really do not know.  What I do know, is that I am receiving more these days, and that I am trying my very best to make sense of the blinking-light messages that I am receiving more and more of with each new passing day.  My soul is open to it all.

I Can, I Must, I Will

We are in the thick of Dance competition season which means that Angel Daughter Number Four is spending weekend after weekend doing exactly what she lives to do.  This child was born with a dancer's soul.  Whenever she preforms a piece, she not only goes through the movements, but she interprets them with her entire body.  She tells a story without words.  She is quite small in stature, like me.  We each stand all of four feet ten inches in height and she often makes me stand back to back to "prove" to me that she has suddenly grown taller than me.(the others girls passed me up a long time ago)  When she does this, Mark tells her that she may someday grow taller than her momma in stature but that she will never grow larger in heart.  This is a very sweet sentiment but I think that she already might have and when she dances, the size of her heart just emanates from her body.  It is difficult not to be captivated by her.

This year, the team put together a Hip-Hop piece which is dynamic, inspiring and tear-inducing.  All of the girls on the team seem to be able to relate to this piece on a level that makes it even more awe-inspiring because the underlying message in the music and in the movements is that "I Can".  The girls come out with their sweatshirts zipped up while the voice-over talks about how no matter what anyone ever tells you, you can make your dreams come true.  You can overcome adversity.  You can succeed in spite of any difficulty.  It is a message that we all need to hear on some level but most especially, the teenagers and young adults who are growing up today.  Suddenly, the beat of the music changes, the girls unzip their jackets and their tee-shirts reveal the words, "I CAN", "I WILL", and, "I MUST".

People at Dance competitions tend to get distracted after spending hour upon hour in a loud, bright, over-stimulating arena, but I have noticed that during this routine, people pay attention.  AD4's wonderful coach is so great at putting together routines that demand attention and this one is no exception.  People from other teams stop our girls on their way off the stage to tell them how beautiful this routine truly is.

It has a wonderful affect.

That is AD4 on the left with her cheek on the floor!  The Jewish momma in me wants to run up on to the stage just before our girls go on with a bottle of Windex and a dust rag.  What could it hurt?

AD4 told me that this is the only point during the dance that she can actually stop to breathe.  She said that on Saturday, she made eye-contact with one of the judges at this particular moment, and it made them both smile.  It is difficult to make the judges smile.  Great job, AD4!

At the end of the routine, all of the girls turn around to reveal that their tee-shirts spell out "JUST BELIEVE".  AD4 is in the middle but her hoodie was kind of covering the "L" on her shirt at the moment when I took this photo.

It is very hard for this child to keep her feet on the ground!  Her excitement and enthusiasm for life is absolutely contagious!

One of her best friends came to watch her for the first time and loved it.  It is so sweet how they support and encourage one another.  I am glad that my girls have good friends who love them and who they love.

Angel Daughter Number One drove down from Los Angeles to have dinner with us and to watch her little sister compete.  She is also doing really well.  Mark is such a great daddy.  He never misses a competition that is within driving distance.  There are times when I am unable to go because of my health but Mark is always there to represent.  He went up for both days of competition last weekend.  I know that all of the girls appreciate their daddy's support.  I married a great man.

Angel Daughter Number Three got off of work at 7:00 but rushed over to the Anaheim Convention Center to support her little sister.  She got there in time with only one routine to spare!  She wanted to show off how much taller she is than I am.  Of course, she was wearing very high heels and I don't anymore, but I guess that she wins either way!

You might have noticed that one of my Angel Daughters was missing from the photos.  That is because she is in Palm Springs for Fashion Week.  Here is a picture of AD2 standing in front of an enormous blow-up of her latest photo spread.  It is a picture of the Project Runway Allstars and it is being featured nationwide right now!  She said that she walked into the Project Runway reception room only to be surprised by this life-size replica of her work.  So fantastic!  I borrowed this picture from her Facebook so it is very blurry but you get the idea.  I am just so happy for her.

My girls are all working on following their dreams which makes me a very content momma.  As long as I know that they are all healthy, safe, happy and productive, I can rest better at night.  Tomorrow is not only the first day of spring, but it is also AD3's 20th birthday.  Happy Birthday, Angel Daughter Number Three!  It is difficult for me to believe that I will only have one teenager for the first time in many, many years.  There was actually a time period when I had four teenage daughters at once.  I was not quite sure I would make it past that time period unscathed, but I did.  We did.  And as quickly as life moves, I like where we are now and I am also looking forward to where we will someday be.  It's all good:)

*Opps!  I just realized that I wrote that it was AD4's birthday today, when it is AD3's birthday!  Sometimes I have trouble getting it all right!  It's like when one of them is in trouble and I start calling them all by the wrong name until I get to the correct one.  Oy!  Happy Birthday AD3!  I love you!

Rock

 There are times when I choose to envision God as my Rock.  Solid and strong, steady and unyielding, tenacious enough to support me in even my most weakened moments.  Sometimes, when the tide is out far enough, enormous boulders appear grounded securely beneath the ocean's sinewy surface.  I have observed them so many times that I can see them in my mind's eye by shape and color, location and texture.  I know that they are always there even when they are covered in a mingling of water and salt, seaweed and sand.  I know that they are there even when I cannot see them for they have been there each and every time that I have witnessed the receding of the ocean to a place in which the typically covered sea floor becomes exposed and what lies beneath is uncovered for a few precious hours.  Sometimes, after storms, the tides seem to be drawn out even farther exposing the constant rock formations which are always there whether I choose to believe that they are or not.  It is not up to me to declare that these formations are there for them to be there.  They are there.  And in their presence, I can either pretend to believe that they do not exist when I cannot see them, or, I can simply acknowledge that which I am temporarily unable to see.  In one way, I am viewing the universe by only that which I can see in front of me.  In another, I am trusting that even that which I cannot see still remains.  Have I ever seen God in the way that I can see the rocks that are only sometimes exposed beneath the receding tides.  My simple answer is yes.  I have seen God in my husband's eyes on the night that we first met as his soul was momentarily exposed as someone who would soon after become my rock for life.  I have seen God in my daughter's faces as they were laid upon my chest only moments after their births, souls still as familiar with God's voice as they were with the sound of mine.  I have seen God in my brother's peaceful, almost serene looking face soon after his soul had been released from his earthly body only to head back to from where it came.  I have seen God.  And this is why I choose to envision God as my Rock.  He is there whether I decide that He is or He is not.  He is there whether I can see Him or I cannot.  Just as the rocks which remain steadfast upon the ocean floor whether covered or exposed, God is always there and He anchors me in times of deep sorrow.

This past Saturday, our congregation lost our beloved rabbi to cancer.  He was the rabbi for our congregation for the past nearly thirty years.  He was our family's rabbi for well over twenty-plus years.  He was there when our daughters were born.  He was there as our daughters went through Hebrew school.  He was there when Mark converted to Judaism enjoying some very lively debates with my somewhat conservative husband but treating him like a new found son.  He was there when Mark and I renewed our vows for our fifteenth anniversary.  He was there to Bat-Mitzvah our girls and when I felt called to volunteer as a Spiritual Care Counselor at our local hospital, I felt a sense of pride from him as he talked to me about our patients.  And today, Mark, myself, and our four Angel Daughters were there with the rest of our congregation to wish his soul a remarkable journey and to thank God for having lent him to us for as long as he did even though it did not seem nearly long enough.  I envisioned him officiating at the girl's weddings someday...

These photos are two that I was quickly able to dig out this afternoon after returning home from the funeral.  They were taken almost twelve years ago at Angel Daughter Number One's Bat-Mitzvah when she was just thirteen years old.(And yes, all of the Bat and Bar Mitzvah students were just a little bit frightened of rabbi.  Well, maybe a lot frightened.)  A couple of years ago, Rabbi and I became "Facebook friends" and each time I would post something about one of my daughters accomplishments he would be one of the first people to "like" it.  He would often leave me notes of praise about my girls and I could always tell that he was "kvelling" about their talents and achievements.  The last time I saw him, we were standing outside of the synagogue talking briefly after the High Holy day services in October.  He was frail and quite pale and much softer-spoken than he had been in the past.  But he could not let me go without telling me how much he enjoyed our exchanges on Facebook and how much he loved being able to keep up with the girls through my posts.  My two oldest daughters went on to "friend" him after that, and they too, began to receive "likes" from our rabbi.  He was the proud "father" of hundreds of people.  Thank you, dearest Sherri, Steven and Gavriella for sharing him so generously with all of us.  It could not have always been easy but you all did so with such grace and benevolence.

As I immerse myself in the deep sadness of our rabbi's death, I will cling to my Rock knowing that rabbi is no longer suffering, no longer in pain and is now in the company of God and the angels who he spent so much of his life teaching about and trusting in.  Rabbi Krause always knew that God was there, but now, he knows that God is there and that is something that I pray his family can take some comfort in as they do their very best to soldier on without him here.

18. L'Chaim. To Life.

This month, we celebrated Angel Daughter Number Four's 18th birthday.  Incidentally, this also means that Mark and I are no longer the parents of any minor children.  Such an unfamiliar feeling to no longer be something that I have been in one form or another for almost 25 years.  Who am I now?    How do I let go?  In Judaism, when our children turn 13 and they are either Bar(for a boy) or Bat(for a girl) Mitzvahed, it is said that they are considered "adults" and are therefore responsible for their own actions, but as a parent, this was only the very beginning of acknowledging that my daughters were on their way to becoming young women.  The teen years in our home, proved to be full of wonder(I wondered how I was going to make it through!) to feeling like they might go on forever.  But, like any other stages of our daughter's lives, these years actually raced by.  In several weeks when Angel Daughter Number Three turns 20, we will only have one more teenager to finish raising up and she is now legally old enough to vote in the next presidential election, sign for her own replacement driver's license at the DMV(damn the person who stole her purse at school), or pierce another hole in her ear on a whim.(Both she and AD3 felt that "whim", last week.  Oy.)  And yet, as odd as it feels to be the momma of four young adult women, I can look at them with confidence in knowing that Mark and I did things the way that we always said that we would.  Yes, we waivered at times.  The arguments coming out of the mouth of a living, breathing individual is quite different to those that come out of the mouths of very obedient imaginary children.  But the thing is, we actually parented these daughters of ours when too many of our peers thought it wise to be their children's friends, and that is something that most certainly never works.

So, as I piece together the thoughts that I have about Angel Daughter Number Four's 18th birthday, I can truly say that Mark and I must have done something right because these daughters of our just keep getting better and better!

I love that she does not have too much pride to stand up on a chair in a very crowded restaurant with a balloon animal in her hand while shaking her adorable booty just like she did when she was three.

Even while being serenaded by the very handsome waiter who sweetly(and respectfully) flirted with her for the entire evening.

Culminating with a high-five and applause from the whole restaurant.

I just love how the little boy behind us seemed to be coveting AD4's ice cream sundae.

As did the little guy who was sitting at the table behind AD3!  I would have given them ice cream for dinner now that I am moving ahead into that "grandma" phase of life...

My beauties.  Angel Daughter Number Four(18).  Angel Daughter Number Three(19).  Angel Daughter Number Two(22).  Angel Daughter Number One(24).

This is AD1 and her boyfriend, Kyle.  He is a very nice guy from Colorado chasing his California dream.  They are cute together.

Obviously, something very interesting was happening on AD4's cellphone;)

Once again, AD4 sparkled and shined to another rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday" from a packed restaurant.  There is something about watching your baby come into her own that does a momma's heart good.  She is me at that age, yet with a lot more confidence, self-assurance and moxie.  She is generous of spirit, she is lavish of heart.  She lives her life out loud and without apology.  She is Mark at that age with a contagious smile and a joyous sense of humor.  She has grown up well and I cannot wait to meet the woman that she will someday become.

In Judaism, the number "18" symbolizes life which is why Jewish people tend to give monetary gifts and donations in sums of 18.  Celebrating life is one of the most important tenants of Judaism which is why the phrase "L'chaim, To Life" is often said in celebration.  Life is a precious gift that should never be taken for granted.  It should be celebrated and exalted.  Happy, happy 18th birthday, my sweet angel baby.  We are all so incredibly proud of you.