A Moment in Time. A Moment to Keep. A Moment to Dwell on.

I wasn't raised in a family that encouraged the power of positive thinking.  My dad can look past the bigger picture towards what is ultimately going to be fine, but my mother is another story.  Everything is "nag, nag, nag".  "I want what I want when I want it, which happens to be RIGHT NOW."  I suppose this is a small part, a very small part, a tinsy-winsy, itty-bitty little part of why they ended up divorcing.  And as I have explained to my dad over the course of the past several years, when he was ready to really hear it, he was able to divorce himself from my mother and marry someone who is a much better fit.  I, on the other hand, happened to remain irreversibly stuck with the hand that life dealt me.  My recently deceased brother chose a different journey in which he decided to remain estranged from our father, but I know that he had to live with his own demons because of the choice that he made.  They both did.  I couldn't, can't, won't do that with my mother unless I am left with no other choice.  And so far, I feel fairly comfortable with the choices that I have made when it comes to relationships.  I would much rather suffer some discomfort in a relationship, than make an irreversible choice by shutting someone out of my life permanently, whom I view as difficult.  To me, that would be missing the lesson, and Lord help me if I am forced to repeat some of these lessons again, in another place or at another time.  I would much rather complete the course now.

This past week brought with it a couple more "slams", and so, while taking the time to recover my bearings, I decided to take some time to dwell in the positive.  For as much as life tends to slam us, there is always, yes always, something good which can be unearthed.  For me those "somethings" are first and foremost, my husband and our Angel Daughters.  After that comes our dog, our kitties and yes, even our birds.  These are the things that remain steadfast and loyal in my life.

I was clicking through some pictures and came upon these which were taken a bit over a week ago.  Angel Daughter Number Three(my sixteen year old) was really itching to go on a mother/daughter adventure with me, and so we got into the car and began driving.  Having four makes it sometimes difficult to just steal away with only one angel at a time, so that made our outting even more special.  As we drove along, without any particular destination in mind, we turned the radio up loud and sang along to 70's and 80's songs that we both knew.  The more I allowed myself to relax and sing, the more we giggled.  By the time we arrived at our surprise destination, I felt almost like a teenager myself.  Looking at my daughter and how much she was enjoying our trip to "nowhere" allowed me to remember what it felt like to be sixteen, and for a little while, I was sixteen again, just hanging out with a friend!  How fun it was to go back in time with my own child!  We even sat in the parking lot until the song we were listening to was over.  When I turned the car off, I said to AD3, "Now you see what Mom might have been like at your age!  I was fun, too."  AD3 turned to me, smiling, and said, "Mom, you are always fun when you want to be."  A moment in time.  A moment to keep.  A moment to dwell on.

We decided to stop for an impromptu dinner at this interesting little place called The Gypsy Den.  We tasted one another's food and chatted freely about life, friends, and stuff.  The waitress noticed that I was taking pictures and asked if we would like her to take one of us together.  I am very glad that we said yes.  A moment in time.  A moment to keep.  A moment to dwell on.

There were some very interesting places to take pictures and so I convinced AD3, who doesn't usually enjoy having her picture taken, to "model" for me.  We also went shopping and I bought her and my other three angels, some fun stuff.  How joyous it was to think of nothing but food, fun and shopping for a few hours!
We both noticed these colorful, ornate bottles which were on a shelf in the restaurant that we ate at.  It struck me that objects which might look pretty, but quite ordinary alone, really created a beautiful display when grouped together.  It made me realize that each one of my angels, alone, is quite lovely and unique but as a group of four strong sisters, they are a dynamo.  A force to be reckoned with.  Special alone, but stronger when placed in the beautiful light of one another.  Reflecting off of each other in ways which only sisters can do.  I am the singleton, but they, they are sisters.  

And so, as a new week begins, I am choosing to dwell in the positive.  Yes, this has been an incredibly rough year, and yes, it continues to be one in ways that I once could not even fathom, but I am strong.  I have a choice and for now I would rather think about beautiful days with my angels and not funerals, lost nieces, hospital rooms where my father's health is being constantly challenged, and a "clinically depressed" mother who is clinging too tightly.  I am fighting to dwell in the positive, a place that has always felt much more at home to me than the alternative.

May the coming week bring you moments to keep and moments to dwell on.  May you share your own stories of "dwelling in the positive" with those who need to be reminded that there are always two sides to every coin.  We all need to be reminded.  I know that I do.

Celebrate the Only You Who Will Ever be You

There is an indisputable fact about human beings.  We are all unique.  Each one of us is as individual as our thumbprints, as varied as the crystalized pattern of a fallen snowflake.   No two of us are exactly alike.  There never has been, nor will there ever be, another you.
I see this illustrated on a daily basis, amongst my four angel daughters.  All of them were born as a result of the exact same mingling of DNA.  They are the only four people on this planet who were created as a result of my husband's and my love for one another.(And like I sometimes like to tell them, they are the only four people who have ever lived inside of my body!)  Yet, each one of them is so varied.  So extraordinary.  So unique.

I noticed this today as I was going through some photos that I took yesterday of my two youngest angels.  They are undeniably sisters, yet they are also quite different from one another.  While my youngest angel is dark haired and green-eyed, my third angel is fair haired and blue-eyed.  AD4 is boisterous and often outwardly silly, but AD3 who can also be very silly, is more reserved and introspective.  Each one has her own personal style, which is quite contrary to what some people believed would happen as a result of my dressing all four of them alike until my oldest was eleven years old.  All four of them carry the unique distinction of being mine and Mark's daughters, yet once you know them, you will quickly notice the differences which are a result of being one of a kind.
As I sat here thinking about this for a while, my heart began to swell with the satisfaction of knowing that this uniqueness which we each behold is no accident.  Regardless of familial bond, regardless of how many siblings or relatives each one of us has, we were all sent here to share our very distinct gifts with one another.  What you have to offer the world is transcendent and unequaled by what anybody else has to offer.  Your gifts can never be exactly matched in anyone else.  And although we may share a common kinship with one another, no two of us will ever be exactly the same.

What I am saying is that you are extraordinary. 

When Your Heart Lives Outside of Your Body

It isn't as often as I would like, that I get to see this these days. My four daughters, walking ahead of me as a little unit. Together, yet separated from myself, my husband, and the rest of the world, by an invisible bond that ties them, and only them, together.

Growing up was a bit lonely for me. Yes, I had lots of friends. I had a family that even included a brother, but he was four years younger than me, and got more of a kick out of making me angry, than anything else.(I should never have taught you how to walk, Rob:)) He would hide under my bed, and when I sat down to put my shoes on, he would grab my ankle and as I had a heart-attack, he would laugh a devious laugh. My parents met when they were fourteen and sixteen, and married when my mother was nineteen. That might work for some people, but for my parents, it was a huge error in judgement. They fought from the moment that I was born, until well, until now, even twenty seven years after their divorce.

But, that isn't what this is about, this was about watching my heart residing outside of my body. I have always wanted a sister. Don't ask me why, maybe it's because it is the one relationship that I have never, nor will I ever be able to have. Sitting here thinking about it, that could be why I have always wanted one so badly. I still have the luxury of thinking that my relationship with my sister would be perfect. I look at women who have sisters as being extra lucky, twice blessed. I am fascinated by their sisterly stories. I feel like something is missing in my life. I know that my sister and I would always watch out for each other. We might disagree at times, but if anybody ever had the nerve to try and hurt either one of us, look out for the wrath of the other one! My grandmother who passed away at ninety-one, had a sister who was six years younger than she was. They spoke every single week until the day my grandma died. They were even born on the same birthday. Interestingly enough, my grandmother passed away on my birthday, two years ago. She and I were very close, too. So, when I think about sisters now, I look at my girls. They are very close in age: from two and a half years apart, all the way down to twenty-two months apart. I joke with them that they are part of an exclusive club that nobody else in the world can ever be a part of. The club of people who once lived inside of my body! They laugh, and say, "Oh ma", but really I think they get it. I can see it in their eyes when they are alone, together. I can see it in their confidence as they walk down the street ahead of me. I can hear it in the giggles of their private jokes. They are sisters. They are a unit. They are four times blessed, and so am I.

God may not have given me the sister who I thought I needed, but he gave me four daughters. Four extraordinary individuals who share something that nobody else ever can. They each lived inside of my body, and on the way out, each one of them, with a tiny hand, grabbed a part of my heart and took it with them. So now, as I watch my heart living outside of my body, I realize that I am no longer lonely for a sister, because I, too, am part of a very exclusive club. I am part of the bond that holds my daughters together, and therefore, my heart is where it is meant to be. Not with a sister, but with my daughters.

We may not always get what we think we need, but in time, we are given what we truly need.

May your heart be safely residing where it is meant to be, and may those who own a piece of it, always, always know that they are twice-blessed.