More Wings

The title of this article made me chuckle when I first read it because she is only twenty-one years old.  21.  Still one of my babies...  And yet to me, the title implies that somehow, there have been years upon years upon years culminating in The Biggest Shoot of Your Life!!!  In my mind, I hear a booming voice announcing those words as if the person being written about is 35, or 42, or 67 and everything has led up to this single moment.  But the truth is, her career in photography is only just beginning and if she continues to focus her energies in the right places, she is going to be very big in the field of photography and this shoot, which she both completely orchestrated and shot over the course of a very, very long day, will be one of more than she will be able to count.  Angel Daughter Number Two is my photographic creative genius.  Upon graduating high school a few years ago, she began college and quickly realized that the academic route was not right for her.  With the help of my father(her Pop-Pop),  we found a college that was a much better fit for her, moved her up to The Art Center in Pasadena, CA, and there she remained for a year and a half.  This year, she decided that she was finished.  She felt that she had gleaned all that she could from The Art Center and decided to go out on her own without finishing school.  Mark and I were not at all comfortable with her choice, but AD2 and her grandfather presented us with all of the reasons why she was ready and we finally gave in(kicking and screaming).  It has been a very rough start for her, I am not going to lie, but suddenly things seem to be piecing together for her.  This article is appearing on newsstands right now in the largest digital photography magazine in the nation, Digital PhotoPro.  It is in their November 2011 issue and if you care to take a look at it, it is also available online, here.  In the photos above, AD2 is the one with the camera;)  On the right page, she is the one squatting down with her back to the camera taking the photograph of the model.  Her longtime boyfriend, Joshua, is standing right next to her and his dog, Dakota, is modeling with the pretty lady.  I told AD2 that next time, I want a picture of her face in the article!  She is beautiful enough to be a model herself, but I am glad that she is not one.  It is a tough industry.

Here is page two of the article.  I hope that you are not offended by scantly clad women because she does shoot a lot of them.  It's all about fashion and sometimes that means skimpy clothes which is kind of ironic.

The layout above shows the final photos from the article but there are more words about AD2 on page 124!  You can read those if you click over.

I feel so blessed to know that my Angel Daughters are following their dreams and making them come true at such young ages.  Angel Daughter Number One is still getting lots of attention for her Groupon commercial(and auditioning, and auditioning, and auditioning while working, working, working!) and now AD2 is being recognized for her own work in the arts.  She was just asked to shoot an eight page spring fashion pictorial for a very prestigious magazine and she is SO excited!  It will be shooting very, very soon but won't come out until January 2012, so we will all just have to wait.  I get the feeling this child is about to start flying high, but as her mom, I will always remind her to remain grounded and to enjoy the view while she is finding her wings.  There are so many dimensions to life.  Keeping things in balance can be a challenge while floating with the air currents, but soaring with our feet planted firmly on the ground is the only way to stay sane and happy.  By the way, if you happen to pick up a copy of Digital PhotoPro magazine and you would like an autograph of the up and coming photographer who is being featured on pages 86-90, I think I can hook you up;)

These are my girls.  I am so in love with each one of them.

One of The Greatest Moments in History

It was sunset on August 26th.  A blazing blush-colored hue emanated from sea to sky, painting the horizon in a supernatural light.  I breathed in the moment, smelling the salient sea air, tasting the sharp, salty breeze on my tongue, listening to the distant call of the seagulls as they sailed gracefully like angels on the wind.  I thought about my friends and family back east bracing for a mega-storm and whispered silent prayers for mercy out into the Universe.  From my mouth to God's Ears.... From my heart to God's Heart....

Turning around, I glanced through the screen door and noticed my youngest Angel Daughter sitting on the bed in her room doing whatever it is that 17 year olds do on a quiet Friday evening when all of their friends are "busy".  I wondered if she just had a need to feel anchored to home, her restless spirit usually so quick to wander from here.  Feeling the consummate pull of 18 looming just around the corner, 17 year olds tend to have an unconventional "push me, pull me" attitude about home, wanting to go, but needing everything to stay just as it should be, even though....

At seventeen I learned the truth...

So I called to her, this child of mine.  I told her that she was missing one of the greatest moments in history!  I told her to put down her phone and to come outside.  "Hurry, hurry!"  I called.  "You are missing it!"  Slowly, she diverted her eyes from the various screens flickering below her and looked up at me with those eyes.  "Come", I said, and with a typical 17 year old swagger, she made her way out the screen door.  I did not have to tell her to look because it was all around her.  Cotton-candy colored clouds mirrored back onto themselves by the ocean sparkling below.

She didn't say anything at first.  She just pulled her cellphone out of her pocket and snapped a quick picture of the horizon.  "Beautiful, Momma", she said.  "Yes honey, yes it is.  Yes, you are."

We locked eyes like only one can do with someone who knows them on a level so intimately that they can almost read each other's  feelings.  I stood beside her, my breath slowly taking on the rhythm of hers.    We stood there for a while, just staring, just taking it all into our hearts.  And it went through my mind, this is one of the greatest moments in history.

The Stuff That Makes it Worth the Effort

Going back in time around thirty seven years years, I met this little Italian girl with big brown eyes and a dangerously contagious laugh.  Being a little Jewish girl who absolutely loved to laugh, we giggled our way into a friendship which has spanned boyfriends(most better forgotten), stubborn tiffs, husbands, 3000 miles and children.(seven to be exact, several foster kids, two son-in-laws to date, and three beautiful grandbabies-hers, but she shares)  We grew up together and now, God willing, we will continue to grow old together  We might not share ethnicity or DNA or even the same home state(she is now in Nevada), but we do share a history and to me, that is what it really takes to be a family.  These people are my family.

Last weekend, they came out to California to visit the happiest place on earth.  They also came to introduce us to baby Kasen who also happens to be a cousin of baby Scarletts!  You might remember Scarlett from a few posts back.  She is the precious baby who came to see us a few weeks ago.  I have been in baby heaven all summer thanks to Donna's beautiful daughters.  First Scarlett,  and then Kasen and his big sister whom we adore, Aubri.  We love babies!

AD4 fell hard and fast for baby Kasen and he was just as smitten with her.  Kasen is an extremely happy little boy with gorgeous brown eyes and a contagious belly-laugh.(seems like genetics are definitely at work here)  It was both beautiful and bittersweet to watch the relationship that was forming between my youngest Angel Daughter and my oldest friend's sweet grandson.  It brought to mind "the circle of life" and all of that weepy, nostalgic stuff but when we get together, there is mostly only laughter.

And since laughter is what gets us through it all, Lord knows that none of us take ourselves too seriously!

Over the past couple of years, AD3 and AD4 have grown to have not only a sibling relationship, but a lovely friendship, as well.  There have been times over the years when I feared that these two might not have found their way to a common ground.  They are the closest in age of my four Angel Daughters as they were born only twenty-two months apart and there are times when their chronological ages are only one year apart.  AD3 was less than two years old when AD4 was born.  I think that was very hard on her.  She was still just a baby and suddenly, an even smaller and needier baby entered our family.  Their personalities are quite different which complicated things even more.  AD3 is more reserved, cautious and refined.  She likes to feel familiar with her surroundings before she feels totally comfortable in expressing who she is.  AD4 is gregarious, outgoing and quite bold.  Whereas AD3 might tentatively enter a situation testing the waters until she takes in the mood of the room, AD4 will bebop right in with a big smile on her face and an extended hand.  In high school, AD3 followed both AD1, who was an actor in the Theatre department and AD2, who was a cheerleader.  She could not seem to immediately find a place for herself.  Enter outgoing sister number four who she had to drive to school everyday.  The equation just became more complicated.  But now, their relationship is best described as it appears in the photo right above.  They laugh together.  They have a lot of inside jokes that I am not privy to...Hmpph!  They introduce each other to different music and they meet each other for lunch.  They are best friends.

As parents, we want our children to appreciate one another in the same ways that we appreciate each and every one of our own babies.  We want them to not only love each other, but also, to like each other.  Unfortunately, that is not always the way that things work out.  Sometimes we just have to allow things to evolve on their own.  Yes, we must nurture what is already there and set a great example, but personalities, birth order, and preferences all come into play in the development of a relationship.  Our children are really no different than the rest of the world.  They cannot be forced to like each other.  These two beauties are an example of how things can transition naturally from a familial relationship into a true and lasting friendship.  I am so proud of them, so proud of all four of my girls.  In spite of their differences, or maybe in light of them, there is a bond between these girls which transcends the bond of similar DNA.  What I have learned, as their momma and as the sister of only one brother who is now gone, is that the love between siblings is usually a given.  It is the like part that must be cultivated in a relationship that is separate from the parents.  It might be a tough one for parents to let go of, but when it happens on its own, it is definitely something that is worth the effort.

This is Donna's oldest daughter and Kasen and Aubri's momma.  The beautiful little blonde haired, blue-eyed impish angel is Aubri, Kasen's big sister, Scarlett's big-girl cousin.  Aubri looks a lot like her daddy.

Kasen(I had to get one with the boo-hoo face), is mommy all the way.  How does that happen?  I guess it happens in the same way that personalities are determined.  Plain old genetics and a bit of nature versus nurture thrown in for good measure.  As I watched Aubri going through the "that baby can do anything and make everyone laugh, why can't I?" stage, I thought about how difficult it can be for siblings to determine their places in the world.  We all have combinations of qualities that make us extraordinary and unique, however, it is usually what somebody else has that we seem to focus upon.  Part of our job as parents is doing our very best to try not to compare our children's differences.  They spend enough time doing this themselves and they do not need us to shine a bright light upon them.  Rather than comparing, it is best for us to bolster the diverse attributes and to enjoy and embrace the differences.

Growing up, people often mistook Donna and I for sisters.  We were even asked if we were twins on occasion!  The truth is that we sometimes argued like sisters but, we always came back to each other.  Always.  We embraced our differences and enjoyed our similarities.  Aubri is learning how to be a sister now.  She is also learning that family can also be chosen and that, is a beautiful lesson.

I love the way that Aubri wrapped her sweet little arms around our necks.  To feel that precious hand resting on my neck, was to feel unconditional, uninhibited love and in some ways, it reminded me as to why thirty-seven years of friendship has absolutely been worth the effort that it can sometimes take to make a friendship last.  All relationships take effort and work and even blood, sweat and sometimes, tears.  But to have someone who is still hanging around after knowing me for thirty-seven years, from teenage hormones to peri-menopause, that is definitely what makes it all worth the effort.  And if we make it for another thirty-seven plus years, OY VEY, are we going to be cranky with each other!


I wish that for my girls.  I wish that for Donna and Keith's children and grandchildren.  And I wish that for you.


*As an aside to this post, if you look at this picture carefully(or not so carefully as Jacob pointed out), it almost appears as if Donna's arm which is wrapped around Aubri is attached to Keith and that Keith's baby hand is resting on Mark's neck.  We all found this very, very funny(except for maybe, Keith, who is just a tiny bit self-conscious about his baby-hands) which is yet another reason why this friendship works so well.  We try not to make fun of Keith's baby-hands, but sometimes it's just hard not to...

Admitting

I need a momma.  Not the mother that I have.  Not the one who gave birth to me and brought me into this crazy, mixed-up world doped up on twilight drugs so that she wouldn't have to feel anything.  Not the one who has lived her entire life in a completely irresponsible way, banking on the idea that her responsible daughter and hard-working son-in-law would serve as her retirement plan.  Not the mother who has betrayed me time and time again, all the while knowing that my heart is far too loyal and much too tender for me to take off to a tropical island with no forwarding address.  Not the mother who calls me up, and without even taking a breath, marches directly into a diatribe about who did what to her this week, and then wonders why she knows so little about my health condition.  And most of the time, I am okay with needing a momma.  I really, really am.  I have a wonderful, loving husband.  I have a father who is not only my father but a man who I genuinely like.  A lot.  And of course, I have my miraculous angel daughters.  Four of them.  And soaking in their love is one of the greatest gifts of my life.  But after coming home from a doctor's appointment like the one I had today, feeling totally depleted, I just need a momma.  And there is nothing that can replace that lonely feeling of wanting to be able to just melt into a puddle of tears while having a mom there to listen.  And advise.  Or not.

I find ways to nurture myself that are safe and comforting.  I surround myself with cats and dogs and birds, all creatures who will love unconditionally if we allow them to.  I am sure that part of the reason that I had baby after baby after baby after baby was because of my inherent need to encircle myself within a cocoon spun with love and connection and security.  For me, just as much for them.  And it has worked, for the most part.  Except on the days when I need a momma.

So I look towards God, towards Mother Nature, towards the angels to guide me when I am sapped of energy.  I open myself up to the ocean, to the sun, and to the stars.  I remind myself that all of this, all that I have been blessed with, is truly enough.  Yet I cannot help but feel that empty place in my spirit which yearns for something that I will not have during this lifetime.  I mourn, not for the loss of, but for the lack of.  And then I send love out to all of the other momma-less daughters who come home from a doctor's appointment needing something that can never be.  And I thank God that the births of my own daughters were more than just twilight induced dreams after which someone just happened to hand me a baby.  A stranger in my arms.  How did you get here, little one?  I thank God for the sweat and the tears and the joy of being a momma.  And I thank God that my angel daughters will not be daughters who have to do without.

What Will Always be

I have not written very much about my wonderful Angel Daughters lately, for several reasons, but the main one is this.  They are growing up.  Yes, I must finally admit that my children are no longer closer to being children than they are to being young adults.  And with their growth comes independence, busy schedules and a life which does not always include their momma.  They, are on the right path, but I, am quickly being "outgrown" of my job position.  The only job position that ever truly beckoned to me from the inner-most depths of my soul.  The only thing I ever knew with all of my being, that I wanted to be.  Truthfully, I am seeing my daughters grow at a rate which is only equivalent to the baby/toddler years when the changes were exponential and I found myself missing the baby or little person who once was only a few months or so before.  So I accept what is.  And although I am extremely grateful to know that my Angel Daughters are creating lives built upon what Mark and I have poured into them, my soon-to-be empty nest often leaves me searching for other things to feather.  A new flight pattern to create.  Something.  But while I do so, I also get to savour the definite glimpses of the incredible children who are now a part of these unique, lovely, radiant young women while being able to more clearly envision who they will still someday become.  There are very few other jobs in the world that can claim that as part of the job description.

These photos of Angel Daughter Number One were taken by Angel Daughter Number Two.  AD1 is now 23 years old.  She is a gorgeous, bright, big-hearted, hard-working young woman who is following the path of her own soul.  She is an actor who now has an agent.  She knows what the steps towards her dreams are, and she is climbing them, one by one, day by day.

How did she learn to create these beautiful bubbles while not allowing a very difficult industry to burst hers?  By doing Bubble shows for assemblies, parties and her latest gig, modeling for her younger sister.

As I watch her float on the wings of her own hard work and dedication, I am happy.  Which leads me to Angel Daughter Number Two, the taker of those beautiful photos:

AD2 is a self-starter who knows how to get things done.  She is both a photographer and a student of photography at college.  At almost 21 years old, she is being recognized in an industry that can take years to become known in.  She has an innate ability to market herself and her work in a way that shows maturity beyond her years.  And yet, she truly does still have so much to learn.  The most difficult thing is keeping her tethered securely enough, to save her from flying out of control.  Too much, too soon.  Yet her capability to make magic with the click of a camera can be awe-inspiring.  And as I observe her becoming the woman who she will someday be, I am proud.

Which now leads me to Angel Daughter Number Three:

My 18 year old.  AD3(or Alice in Wonderland), began her life as a college freshman this past August.  She goes to school and holds down two jobs, one at a jewelry store and another at J. Crew.  She is funny, very smart, charming and loyal.  And she is content.  She is not yet sure what she would like to major in or what she wants to do in the future, but she is open and willing to try things out.  And isn't that what being a young adult should be all about?  Figuring out the who, what, where and whys of life? Watching her put the pieces together without feeling the pressure of having to have all of the answers right now,  makes me smile.  As her momma, I have witnessed a newfound maturity in her over the course of the past year.  And for this, I too, am content.

Which naturally brings me to our youngest.  Angel Daughter Number Four:

Angel Daughter Number Four is a culmination of everyone in our family.  She is joy exemplified.  At 16, she is wise beyond her years.  She is free-spirited, creative and confident in a way that most 30 years olds are not.  AD4 is our beautiful dancer.  She expresses herself through movement.  And when I watch her dance, my heart dances with her.

Being a mother is the hardest, most fulfilling, sometimes frustrating, but always worth it, job that there is.  As I witness my daughters growing into young women, I pray that they will always know how much they are loved, how incredible they are, and how proud of them that I am.  Being a mom means knowing when to grasp hold and learning when to let go.  It means loving until your heart might burst.  It means setting free. It also means that no matter what else I become in my life, that I will always be the momma of these four special angels and for me, that will always be enough.

In Awe of Mother Birds

For the past several weeks,  my front door has been an off-access area.  This happened when my husband and my two youngest Angel Daughters informed me that in the mornings they noticed that there was the shadow of a little bird sitting quietly behind the wreath which I had placed there last fall.  So, thinking like the mother bird that I am, I quickly realized that this little bird had built a nest behind the wreath that I had hung upon my door and was using it to sit on her eggs!

Like the obsessive-compulsive, fairly over-protective(I have seen worse!) Jewish momma that I am, I quickly went into "protection" mode.  I made two signs, one for the inside of the house and one for the outside.  I taped the one sign on the inside over the doorknob(which my family instantly rolled their eyes at in that "Here goes mom again..." way), and then placed the other sign on the outside of the door.

There is something inside of me, something that I have absolutely NO control over.  Something that makes my ovaries tingle(sorry, guys), which makes me want to protect every living thing that I encounter.  It has been something that has possessed my nuturing soul since as far back as I can remember.  My first encounter being with three baby squirrels that I found in the woods behind my childhood home.  Their mother had abandoned them and I just knew that they would die if I didn't take over the job, so, with my father's permission(or most likely, submission), I found a tree stump in our backyard which would serve as their new home.  Everyday, I fed and played with them.  I even went so far as to try to teach them tricks because I was going to be the ringmaster of the first Squirrel circus!  But, alas, squirrels are...Well, squirrels, and after two of them succumbed to an illness and went to squirrel heaven, the third one continued to grow.  When he began to bite me, we decided that it was no longer a good idea to handle him and he moved into our garage.  We left the door open far enough for him to come and go, which he did for well over a year.  I like to think that after that, he was mature enough to go out to create a little squirrel family of his own.

After that, my parents let me keep a stray cat which had slept on our porch for over eight months.  It was difficult being the animal-loving child of a mother who did not want paw prints on her clean tile floors.  But even she could not keep me from rescuing as many stray and wounded animals as possible.

The drive in me could not be ignored.

At the top of the wreath, there sits the little nest just where the hook holds it onto the door.  Not exactly engineered with sturdiness in mind, but if I were a little bird, I might look at the little nook as an out of the way safe place to nest.

And so, for the next three weeks, we watched as momma and daddy bird waited over their eggs.

We have two tall trees in our front yard, and whenever I would go outside to retrieve the mail or to pick up packages from the front doorstep, this is what I would encounter.  This pretty daddy bird with his red neck and head, singing a chirpy warning song from atop the tree.  He would watch me intently as I went about my business.  I'm still not sure what he would have done had I posed a threat to his babies.  Dive-bomb my head?  Poop on my shoulder?

His lovely, long-tailed mate would sit at the top of the other tree, waiting for me to go away.

Sometimes she would give me the tail-feathers.  But once I walked away, she would swoop back down and sit protectively upon her nest.  A mother's work is never done.

I am happy to report that there are two adorable baby House Finches nesting safely behind the wreath on my front door.  Unfortunately, I was unable to get a good picture of them because of my height restrictions.(even while standing on a chair)  I was able to get a photo of another set of babies who are about the same age.  There are three tiny hatchlings in this nest, although they are beginning to crowd one another out.  These little beauties hatched about nine days ago behind a light fixture at our beach house.

Soon they will learn to fly and the cycle will begin again

I know that someday soon, I will be able to remove the signs from my door and activity in and out of our home will resume to normal.  But I will not be removing the wreath or the nest.  I have read that House Finches often return to the same nesting spot to hatch their next brood.  I have also witnessed this by experience.  I will honor this momma bird by leaving her home in tact and not disturbing her nest.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mommies out there and also, to all who mother.  Being a mom does not only mean creating children.  It means nurturing others.  It means cultivating ideas.  It means fostering, sustaining and providing.  It means loving and cherishing.  And sometimes it means birthing oneself.

Love,
Four Angel's Momma(most days)

PS-To my own little flock of angels:  Thank you for making me what I have always wanted to be: A mommy.

AD1-You were my first.  Thank you for letting me practice on you.  I may not have always gotten it right, but I certainly tried my best.  You are the best teacher that a mommy could ever have. You are such a shining star in my sky.

AD2-Thank you for challenging me and teaching me that coloring outside of the lines is just as important as coloring inside of the lines!  You see colors that the rest of us may never see.  You are my monkey butt!

AD3-Thank you for bringing springtime into my life.  Thank you for reminding me that there is always room in the world for "the other Gabriellas"(as long as they clean up the monkey poop).  Thank you for wearing flowers in your hair.  You are my laughter because you get the jokes.

AD4-Thank you for reminding me that we should all dance more.  You taught all of us that there is always room for one more and that the one more is more than one could have ever dreamed of.  You are my sunshine.

And thank you, Mark, for being the best daddy that a momma could choose.  Without you, none of us would be who we are and who we will become.  You father your daughters like a guy who actually knows what he is doing!  And to all of us, YOU ARE THE MAN!


Hello Skywatchers!  Thank you for popping in!  Please say hello and let me know a bit about you.  I look forward to seeing your SkyWatch posts this week.

Favorite Children and A Mother's Prerogative

I must admit something. I have a favorite child. I do. Those of you who know me, are probably shaking your heads right now thinking that I am half-crazy for admitting this.(Put down the phone, Dad.) But it is true, and I do. Twenty-two and a half years ago, God began blessing me with daughter, after daughter, after daughter, with yet another daughter! And no, to answer your question, we were not trying for a boy, we are not Catholic or Mormon, and we do know what causes that. Once we had our oldest Angel Daughter, I dreamed of having another one so that she would have a sister. After Angel Daughter Number Two was born and I became pregnant yet again, I figured I was on a roll so why stop now. And by the time Angel Daughter Number Three bounced happily into this world and we were blessed with our one and only surprise baby, AD4, I truly wanted another little girl. I decided that at that point, I would not even have known what to do with a boy! So, with four Angel Daughters, it is hard not to have a favorite.

But herein lies the truth. At any given moment, and it can change as frequently as the hormones do in our mostly girly family, my favorite child changes. Another Mother once told me that her Mother once told her that the favorite child is the one who needs you the most at that time. Interesting perspective, but somewhat different from mine. For me, it is the one who breezes through the door to ask me if it is okay to wear a certain shirt for a job interview. It is the one who calls me to excitedly describe her day. It is the one who hugs me so hard that it ends up taking my breath away. It is the one who makes me laugh so hard that I do lose my breath. It is the one who walks into my room eating an after-school snack looking like a little forest pixie. Ask me which one is my favorite, and I just might tell you. Ask me again in ten minutes and I can guarantee that the answer will change. That is a Mother's prerogative.
I took these pictures of Angel Daughter Number Three a couple of weeks ago. We were browsing around the little shops in Laguna Beach, when I had a "favorite child" moment. At seventeen years old, AD3 is going through some changes that all adolescent girls go through at one time or another. She can be very tentative, private and quiet. It is a stage in a Mother's life which is sometimes difficult to navigate. I am watching my adorable little girl transform into a woman, right before my eyes.
But then there are moments like this. Moments in which the silly little girl melds with the blossoming young woman and my heart is overtaken with awe.
Moments when I can still see who she once was, while reveling in who she is now. Moments when I can enjoy all of the parts of the same. The very same.

I don't think that I have introduced you to Jacob yet. Jacob is Angel Daughter Three's boyfriend. He is studying to be a Firefighter while working hard and attending college. I like that AD3 can be more of who she is when she is with Jacob. I like that he is not afraid to be goofy! I like it when my girls are content.

As my family moves forward into yet another uncharted phase of life, I must admit that I will always have a favorite. Each one of my Angel Daughters is my favorite child at one moment or another. I am sure that each one of them has a favorite parent or sister from moment to moment, as well. But the truth, my truth, is that it takes four parts to make a whole. And for me, it takes four daughters to make a favorite.

Learning to Compartmentalize Well

There is something about having several children that teaches a mother how to love more than one person completely, equally, but differently, all at one time.  There is also some built-in mechanism that creates the ability for a mother to have each one of her children believe that they are the favorite, at any given moment, but to hold onto that knowledge without making the other siblings feel badly about it.  This ability, this innate capacity to divide one's attention and affection is what makes a mother unique.  If there were a job description for motherhood, one of the qualifications would surely be; Must be able to compartmentalize well.  

So, I have learned over the past twenty-one years.  I have learned to divide and conquer.  I have learned to place all of my energy into being a wife and a mother.  I have learned through on-the-job training.  I have learned without the benefit of having a good example.  I have learned through trial and error.  I have learned to compartmentalize well.  I would be the first one to admit that I have not always done everything right, but my intentions were always in the right place and for that, I will give myself credit.  If someone accused me of being somewhat over-protective, overly-concerned, or sometimes over-indulgent with my four Angel Daughters, I would have to accept blame.  They are my life.  However, after reading a poem that Angel Daughter Number Four wrote for a school assignment, I can now see the other side of blame.  It is all about perspective.

The days moved on,

And we were young.

It was only us girls and not a son.

Pure joy within one's soul,

For we were starting to grow old,

In the very own heart of our home.

She is the cause for who I am.

And yes, I blame her.

I blame her for making me happy,

I blame her for helping me through every step,

She is the blame for creating and raising me without mistakes.

She is my mother.

Everything started out wonderfully.

Yet little did she know, an illness was on its way.

There was no warning sign, but thankfully,

It was nothing that was going to sway her away.

And carrying on with nothing but hope,

She was not one to sit around and mope.

For she is like a piece of seaglass,

Long lasting and beautiful.

She has been tossed around and tumbled through the waters,

But she comes out prettier and more original than before.

And with God on our side, she is still and will always be blessed.

Because of her I can.

Because of her, I am.

-Copied with permission of Angel Daughter Number Four, my fifteen year old.

Because of my four daughters, I have learned not only how to compartmentalize, but also how to do it well.  I have also learned that the more we love, the better we become at loving.  And yes, I blame my children for that.

Looking through some photos which were taken this past weekend, I came across the one that I posted above.  It is a picture of me and my four Angel Daughters, but it captured something much more quiet and private than a family moment.  It captured a look and a unique connection which I share with my youngest daughter.  Yes, I have this with all four of my daughters and yes, there are different times when the connection comes across in a glance or a smile, but mostly, it is something that can only be explained in feelings.  Feelings of knowing that there will not only always be enough room to share, but also to own.  My girls have never asked me which one of them is my favorite, and maybe this is because each one of them understands that in their own way, they are all my favorites.  They each hold a certain space inside of my heart which can never be changed, shared or replaced.  I love each one of them separately, uniquely and the most. 

My Angel on the Edge

In twenty three days, my firstborn angel will be twenty-one years old.  As she counts the days until, I feel a vivid bittersweet tugging sensation which causes me to want to go back instead of forward, if only for a little while.
When she closes her eyes like this, I can flash back to a time when I held this precious child in my arms while watching her sleep.  I can feel her soft, little ringlets of baby hair wrapped gently around my fingers.  I can feel her head nuzzled perfectly against my breast, her breath as silken as an angel's wings.
Her smile and her laughter are the same as they were when she was small, only deeper and filled with more richness.  Her eyes still sparkle with the same brightness that only a wise and loving soul could radiate.
So much about her is just as she has always been, yet so much about her is also a mystery still yet to be fulfilled.  She is my firstborn angel standing confidently and excitedly on the edge of twenty-one.  And I am her Mother, letting go slowly yet deliberately, so that she may now use what I have taught her to soar on her own.  Hoping, praying, that she will always find a soft place to land. 

My wish for you is the same.  May you always find a soft place to land, when you need to rest your wings.  May you always be surrounded by loved ones who can help to lift you back up when you are, once again, ready to soar.

P.S.-Kitties are angels who have furry wings.