Sky Paintings 2/ You're Beautiful, Yes You Are

                                   *San Clemente sunset, January 11, 2009

I am ever fascinated by the absolute fragility as well as the transitional properties of nature.  It seems that the world itself, is one giant canvas on which the most magnificent images are created, day after day, night sky after night sky.  Yet there are times when life becomes so overrun by the minutia, that we forget to pause, to stop whatever is seemingly so important at the time, to take in the gifts which are so freely bestowed upon us.  We forget that each sunset is one that we will never have the chance to witness again.  Each sky painting, each ocean wave, each reflection in a pond, is only a fleeting work of art and unless we pay attention, we will lose the opportunity to study its momentary beauty forever.

                                   *Dana Point, California

As time passes, I find that I am becoming much more aware of how quickly things can change.  I am much more in touch with the fact that I will only have a certain number of sunsets to take in, or cloud pantings to interpret, or smiles to trade.  I know that each one is unique, and I know that I want to absorb as much of God's goodness as I can, while I am still here.

                                   *sunset over Catalina Island

Therefore, I look for the colors.  I allow myself to feel the emotions that each natural work of art evokes.  I stand in awe of how enormous the Pacific Ocean truly is and how expansive the sky above it spans.  I breathe.  I breathe in the salty, sweet-smokey aroma of bonfires at dusk and the mild, maritime breezes during the day.  I listen.  I walk quietly along the shoreline, taking in the rhythm of the waves, the laughter of children as they dodge in and out of the surf, and the call of the seagulls as they cry out for food.

                                   *sunset over the Pacific Ocean

Basking in the solitude of a private moment is part of what we are meant to do while we are here.  No matter how difficult or overwhelming things sometimes get, we should never forget about the things which can move us to the brink of tears.  The perspectives that can break our hearts open.  The artistry of nature that reminds us that we are not alone.  Never alone.

                                   *Catalina Island from San Clemente, California

And although there are times when we must go searching in order to find the beauty beyond the chaos, it is always available.  It is always worth the effort.  And sometimes, it is just beyond the fringe of all the craziness, waiting for us to notice that it was always there in the first place.

                                   *San Clemente Pier, January 12, 2009

The scenes might change, the colors may transition from red to orange to yellow to blue, but allowing yourself to witness, really witness them, now that is a gift that you can always accept freely.  And it is a gift that you can always give to yourself.

Notice the things that speak to your soul.  Take in as much radiance as you can find along the journey.  Allow the artwork of the Universe to merge with your own spirit.  And remind yourself, as often as you possibly can, that you, too, are an intricate part of the beauty.

Learning to Expect and Accept the Changes/Happy Birthday, AD2

                                   *Joshua and Angel Daughter Number Two

Looking back on how far my Angel Daughters have come allows me to reflect upon how much each one of them has accomplished in a little bit less, or a little bit more than two decades of life.  To me, each one of them is a miracle.  A living, breathing, individual, each within their own right.  A product of the love that Mark and I felt for one another and the family which we hoped to someday create.  And when I look at Angel Daughter Number Two, I am a bit awed by the fact that I was just a year younger than she is now when I met the young man who would become my forever love.  And that the two of us, together, would create a family where there once wasn't one.  When I look at my four daughters, not only am I able to ruminate in all that they have become, but also, what I have become.  Now that they are transitioning into young women, our growth which has been intricately connected throughout the years, is loosening a bit.  Each one of my girls is learning to fly solo after spending their entire lives as a part of a group and whether I like to admit it or not, so am I.  As my Angels establish themselves as distinct entities, I must encourage myself to reexamine my own gifts and talents.  As I support each one of my Angels in their own endeavors, I must also learn to support new interests and possibilities for my own life.  In some ways, it's like giving birth all over again, only this time, the result will not be a tiny baby.  It will be a freshly preened set of wings which will contain new colors and new directions with which to take flight.  
Yesterday was the day that I gave birth to my second Angel daughter, nineteen years ago.  Happy birthday, baby!  Bringing AD1 into the world was a whole lot scarier and life-altering than was my experience with AD2.  Allowing AD1 to leave home and go to college was also a lot more anxiety-ridden than watching AD2 make that transition and somehow I suppose that allowing AD3 and 4 to spread their wings will be subsequently less traumatic for me(Sorry, my oldest Angel, I really only wanted the best for you).  But that is how life goes.  Something can seem extremely scary until we finally take the leap, and then we realize that it's not as trying as we thought it might be. 

Hence the leap from stage to stage of our lives.  Seems as if just when we become somewhat comfortable with one phase, the next one sneaks up on us and takes us by surprise.  Regardless of whether our life paths make us parents, or career people, or something else, the challenge is always in taking the leap and having the confidence to know that we will survive it.

Happy nineteenth birthday, sweet girl.  In this last year of your teenage years, I hope that you will look back on all of your accomplishments and know that there will be many, many more.  And regardless of where the path leads, always remember that wherever you are, that is exactly where you are meant to be.

As the Tides Change and Happy 1st Night of Chanukah

As I sit back to take inventory on the things that I have gleaned during 2008, I must remind myself to reflect more deeply on the good, while still holding on to the lessons that I have received from the unbearable.  Spreading my wings to fly off into the unknown of another year is, at the same time, a huge relief and scary as hell.  The emotions that I am experiencing in leaving this past year behind, remind me that I truly do not know what life will bring from one moment to the next.  That there are no guarantees, no coincidences and truly no absolutes.  And although this past year brought with it only a month and a half before my family experienced the saddest tragedy that we have ever had to face, life continued happening as we celebrated birth(renewal), a graduation(transition), and the flight of two of our Angel Daughters going off to college(one for the first time and one as a senior).  
And while I cannot say that I am at all sorry to get past the psychological boundary of putting 2008 behind me, I can say that it was a year that will stand out forever in my mind.  Heading in to 2009 brings with it a mixed sense of relief, apprehension, and hope.  In some ways, I feel as if I will need a compass in order to navigate the wind currents by which my life will now flow.  In other ways, I feel a bit stronger and better prepared because of the storms that sought to clip my wings.  Life is like that.  We don't realize how incredibly strong we are until the bounds of that strength are tested.  It is only then that we know, really know, how resilient we can be in the face of adversity.

Standing at the edge of a very low tide, last week, I noticed the rippling sands that are usually covered by the sea water.  It made me think about the things that reside just below the surface of who we believe ourselves to be during the times when our lives seem fairly unchallenged.  It is only during the unusual times, the times when things are not as they should be, that we are forced to peer beneath the surface into the face of someone who feels strange and unfamiliar.  Those are the times when we can learn one thousand lessons in what seems to be a few short moments.  The low tides of our lives, when taken seriously and to heart, are the times when we can gain momentous growth.  And whether we are ready or we are not, the wind currents will change, the tides will ebb and flow, and the storms will come.  It is in how we choose to navigate the changes, that will determine whether we will become permanently grounded or if we will be able to soar even higher than we did before.

As you reflect upon this past year, may you treat yourself as you would, a student who is constantly learning new lessons as they go.  Gently, honestly, but with a small bit of slack and a swift kick in the rear, when absolutely necessary.  

Thank you for helping me to find my own wings.

Transformation and Rarity

As I have written about before, over the past several months I have felt somewhat of a compulsion to search for and collect sea glass.  I know, in my heart, that I am searching desperately for something else, something that I have not yet realized or discovered, but the sea glass provides a beautiful diversion to what it is that I might really be looking for.  Sea glass consists of small fragments of glass which have become reshaped and sometimes re-colored over many, many decades barely reminiscent of their original shape and form.  The glass somehow finds its way into the ocean(or sometimes rivers and lakes) either by human hand, shipwreck, or happenstance.  This leaves it open to the elements resulting in a metamorphosis that can be breathtaking.  Each tiny piece is a rarity in it's own right.  A small example of how something can begin as one thing, and then, over time, end up as another. I also collect other interesting bits and pieces during my long, meditative walks on the beach.  Seashells, rocks and other ephemera catch my eye.  I cannot help but marvel at the absolute beauty which the ocean gifts back to the beach.  To me, it is like a treasure chest filled with the most marvelous of wonders.  I wander the beaches with a feeling of reverence that sometimes overcomes me.
Last week, I came across this rock that is filled with holes, varying striations and remnants of shells that must have been inhabited by tiny sea creatures at one point in time.  I often find rocks which have holes burrowed straight through, but this one was quite an interesting piece.  It was like a miniature village of some sort which was once part of the ocean floor.  I am sure that at some point in time, it was just a smooth rock, but somehow over time it's surface changed.  It was remolded by the sea.  Small animals and shellfish turned it into something other than what it had started out as.  And then, one day I was walking down the beach and it showed up at my feet.  It now resides inside of my home and it is still changing.  When Mark began to examine it, yesterday, he turned it over to look at it from the bottom and as he did, sand poured out from the holes.  It is an ever-changing creation of nature which continues to evolve in subtle ways even as it is explored by humans.
As I sit here considering the shear wonder of how things change, I cannot help but be reminded about what we, as individuals, go through during our lifetimes.  We are shaped and reshaped over and over again.  Each one of our lives sculpt us into unmatched beings of rarity, and just as the sea glass, or the rock or a seashell can change it's form depending upon the elements which it is exposed to, we change in so many subtle and not so subtle ways over the course of our journeys.  Each one of us is a rarity that should not be taken for granted.  A work of art which is in the constant process of transitioning, adapting and shifting; resembling what we once were, but in many ways, not even close to looking like what we will someday be.

As a bit of an aside, I had to share something that I noticed about this rock after going through the pictures.  There is a heart(without the pointy bottom) carved at the base.  And somehow, whatever other message is derived, for me it often comes down to one thing, one very important, life-affirming thing.  Love.

Defying Gravity

Our oldest angel is finished with school and is home for the summer.  Being home for the summer is not what it used to be, as she is an independent young adult now who has a life which is separate yet still intermingled with ours.  I love having her at home.  We all love having her at home.  I realize that her days in the nest will soon be numbered since she is now entering her senior year in college, but there is something about having all of my angels ensconced safely underneath the same roof that allows me to sleep more peacefully at night.  I think that most Moms feel that way.

Several years ago, Angel Daughter Number One introduced our family to the musical, Wicked. If you are not familiar with the story, it is based on the 1995 novel that tells the story of, "The Wizard of Oz", from the Wicked Witch of the West's perspective.  The Wizard of Oz, which was first published over a century ago did not divulge much of the Witch's past nor did it go into her relationship with Galinda the Good Witch.  Wicked gave the reader great insight into how and why the Wicked Witch of the West turned out the way that she did. (She was not really wicked at all, but in some ways the attributes which others labeled her with made her appear to be someone she wasn't.)   When Wicked was made into a musical it took Broadway by storm, and the story of Elphaba(The Wicked Witch of the West) finally had it's day.  The musical is wonderful.  It is funny, touching, and for some reason, I can totally relate to the story of Elphaba.  As a matter of fact, I believe that there are many individuals who would relate strongly to her story.  My first experience seeing Wicked was on Broadway in NYC.  We loved it so much that we ended up seeing it a second time when it came to Los Angeles.  I could sit through it a dozen times and never get bored.  I could be Elphaba if my skin-tone was just a little bit greener in color.

Tonight, AD1 is going to see Wicked with her boyfriend The Cheesemiester, her lovely roommate Tessa, and Tessa's boyfriend.  While she was beautifying herself for the evening, I decided to harass her by following her around with the camera for a bit.  After all, it isn't often that I get to do that anymore! (Besides, if she is ever going to be a famous actor, she needs to get used to the paparazzi now!)  It was fun watching her primp and fluff for her big evening in Los Angeles, and as I watched her go through her routine, it reminded me of how far she has come in just twenty short years.  From my sweet, little angel baby to this beautiful young woman, I could almost visualize her at every single age she has been within the memory of my heart.  Bittersweet and absolutely inspiring, I soaked in every moment without getting too mushy.With her two youngest sisters working as her fashion consultants(AD2 was out looking at college housing for next fall or I am sure that she would have had something to add), she finished getting ready and honored me with one of her campiest, most theatrical poses.  When she finished her outfit with some four-inch heels, she stood a good ten inches above my head.  We all got a very good laugh out of that, and although my younger girls wanted me to take a photo next to her(I don't really mind that my short stature is a source of amusement for them.), I had to refuse as I never really ended up getting dressed today and so I didn't want to memorialize the moment.

As we kissed goodnight, and AD1 teetered out the door(heels will do that!), I made sure to etch the moment upon my heart.  It won't be long before AD1 uses her wings to begin "defying gravity".  After all, she has been test-flying them for the past several years and I think they are almost dry now.(Big sigh...)  Ever since she has gone off to college, I have been making sure to record as much of the teenage years, for all of my angels, as I did of the younger years.  I think we sometimes forget that growth and change is not something which only occurs when our children are little and still losing teeth.  There is a lot that can be cherished between the twelve year old molars and the Wisdom teeth extractions; if we remember that our children's growth is something that will continue to happen even as their physical growth slows.  These four angels, this angel, will always be my little girls.  I will guard their history as only a dedicated mother can do, so that when they ask me someday what they were like at six months, six years, or sixteen years, I will have stories to pull from within the depths of my heart.  And they will know that they were(are, will always be)as important to me as the day they were born.

From the tips of their tiny, down feathers to the majestic lengths of their fully-formed wings.  They will know.

Flight Patterns, or Relearning How to Use Your Own Wings

It is an undeniable fact of life that our babies have souls which begin to sprout wings, from the very moment at which they are born. As parents, we spend much of their childhoods trying to maintain and clip those wings in an effort to keep them from becoming overgrown before their time. We fuss, we bother, we trim, and we pray, that the wings that our children's spirits grow will provide them with all of the lightness that their dreams may carry, but also the weight to know when it is time to stay grounded for a while. We do the best we can to provide a nest which is warm and safe and dry. We slowly nudge them from that nest, in hopes that we will someday be able to watch them soar, flying confidently on their own.

But as parents, what do we do about our own wings? As we become the nurturers, what happens to the wings which are still very much a part of our own souls? This is something that I have been contemplating, for the past several years, as I gently stood back to witness angel daughter number one take to the skies on her own, and I am now anticipating angel daughter number two's departure in the fall. Here she stands at eighteen years old, hanging on the precipice of life with her wings in the ready position. Here I stand, watching with a Mothers eye, and hoping, just hoping, that I have done enough. Enough to set her free. Enough to know that she has exactly what she needs. And enough to continue my own journey towards dusting off my wings, and showing my girls, that mommies can also take flight. In many ways, this is an important time in all of our lives, as we are all on the verge of a test-flight. Our children, because of the newness that using their wings alone brings, and us, because of the fact that we must shake off some layers of dust.

I have four more years before my nest will be completely empty. Four more years to watch as angel daughter number three and finally, angel daughter number four get ready to take flight. At that point, it will have been almost twenty five years since the only wings which I had to concentrate on, were my own. I am both nervous and excited about reinventing myself at that time. I look forward to not only, witnessing what my daughters will become, but also, witnessing my own ability to take flight, in a totally different direction than ever before in my life.

So, I would like to know...What will you do with your wings, as the air-currents change in your own life? Where do you see yourself in five years, and how will you use your wings to get there? Regardless of what may have caused you to tuck away the wings of your soul, how will you use them when you feel ready to soar into a new phase of life?

May you take the time to nurture your own hopes and dreams, and may you never, ever clip your own wings.