Lady-Bugs and Finding my Way Home

I cannot help it.  I wasn't raised in a home where my brother and I were encouraged to look for something special or miraculous everyday.  I was not born to parents who particularly viewed the world with a sunshiny perspective.  There were no mentions of "rainbows and butterflies", or pretty little platitudes about how blessed we were to have a nice home to live in, with food on the table and clothes on our backs.  There was no talk of God, or a Higher Power, or guardian angels who watched over us guiding us like a loving parent.  There was no mention of prayer except for the couple of days a year when we made it to synagogue, and then it almost confused me.  As a matter of fact, it was not until my dear brother died, six months ago at the young age of forty-one, that I found out that my mother honestly, truly and without hesitation doubts the existence of God at all.
But as a child, I loved Lady-bugs.  I spent many a summer's day gingerly picking them up so that they could explore the surface of my skin, as I patiently rotated my hand in one direction to the next, counting their spots as they crawled.  If I found one in a precarious position or in the swimming pool, I would gently move it to a safer place while speaking to it in a small, quiet voice.  I discovered, at a very young age with very little assistance from anyone else, that yes indeed, Debra, there is a Guiding Force in the universe, and to me, that Force was God.  I couldn't help it.  The Lady-bugs were too perfect to have been created by accident.  Something deep within my soul just knew that.
When our angels were born, Mark and I knew that they needed to grow up in a world where God was a part of the family.  We sent them all to religious school, reinforced what they learned there at home and had them each become a Bat-Mitzvah.  I answered any questions that came up about my beliefs from a very young age, and reminded them that God is accessible.  I wanted them to understand that something as tiny as a Lady-bug or even smaller, like the microscopic aphids that the Lady-bugs feast on, were proof enough that there is a God.  

And so, they grew up knowing, even though I only grew up with the feeling that I wasn't alone.  The feeling that somehow, God was in the Lady-bug.
Watching my littlest angel carefully visit with this Lady-bug, yesterday, reminded me of how crucial it is to understand.  Her fascination and wonderment while examining this tiny creature reminded me that no matter how seemingly insignificant something might seem, it can make all of the difference between believing that it is all meant to be, or deciding that it is all a haphazard accident thrown together by chaos.  The look on AD4's face says that she loves Lady-bugs, too.  It brings me peace to know that my angels don't have to figure it out on their own.  They all know what Mark and I believe.  They can appreciate the Lady-bug as one of God's miracles.

There are so many paths which can lead to God.  May you find the one that brings you the knowledge and the peace to believe that you are not alone.  May you find your way to God in the simplest of miracles.  There are so many...

Tether Me

When one life ends, it is often difficult to reconnect with the life force which tethers us to the here and now. This is why it is so crucial to participate in activities that remind us of the human spirit's ability to continue. Children are amazingly good at this. I have witnessed all four of my angels' connections to the energy and joy which allow our spirits to prevail, even after the most tragic of events.

Since I am having trouble with words right now, I decided to share some photos. The first one is of my angel daughter number 3 running in a track meet. This was her first meet ever, and she ran like the wind finishing fifth out of about twenty runners. Her spirit is leading her towards new accomplishments. My husband and I were so incredibly proud of her!

The other photos are of angel daughter number four. I asked her to show me some of her dance moves, and this is what she sprang forth and shared with me. I think of dance as a song that is sung by the body. No one can ever tell me that joy does not reside within the heart, ready to pounce out loud at the perfect moment.

My other two angels also shared their absolute connections to the life force this past weekend, although I do not have photos to share of those moments. Angel daughter number one performed in a play called The Vagina Monologues. Her performance brought a packed house from hysterical laughter, to silence and tears in five minutes flat. I have never seen her perform in this type of genre before, and it was her absolute best to date. She acted from a place which was both real and unreal, both realized and unrealized. Mark and I were moved by the depth of her performance.

Angel daughter number two spent the weekend at a cheer competition that was very far from our home. She flew with her team to get there. She called us, filled with excitement, as her team took second place out of seven. We were so happy for her, but more importantly, we were happy because she was happy. It is like that when you love someone, isn't it?

So, as we move slowly, ever so slowly, back into the rhythm of life, our senses raw with emotion, we are reminded that the life force which resides within the souls of our children, also lives within our own souls. This is the reason that as devastating as death and the situations that can arise with it, might try to pull us down into the depths of sadness, our soul's connection to life eventually saves us from drowning in the darkness of that sorrow.

There is so much to be learned during a single lifetime. Although I feel as if everything I have ever known before has been somehow recolored by the sadness of my brother's death, I will continue to look toward my children for clues as to how to focus on moving forward. I will search for new ways to move back in the direction of what tethers us to life.

May you always feel drawn by the life force which resides within you.