L'Chaim

So last I left you, life was moving along in a much better direction.  My dad was healing from his sudden heart attack/quadruple bypass surgery and I was feeling much more hopeful about his prognosis.  Life was feeling much less chaotic but I think I needed to take some time to draw a breath from thinking.  A good long breath.  I did not fully realize it at the time but I have always known it, this blog is a place for me to contemplate and to sort out my thoughts in a very concrete way.  Putting my words down in a place that felt comfortable and safe was a way for me to decompress and yet, I felt overwhelmed by trying to make sense of things after my dad's brush with mortality.  The words felt extremely jumbled and frankly, the thoughts that came along with them were very, very, very frightening.  I did not want to be in the here and now.  I did not want to be in that moment.  I wanted to be six or eight or ten months down the line at a time when the outcome would be much clearer and so, I shut down for a while without knowing that I was going to do so.  I realized about a week or so ago, that not living in the moment was slowly beginning to wear upon my soul.  Being in the past or in the future felt like a safer place to be, temporarily, for the sake of self-preservation and sanity, but eventually, we all need to come back to where we are.  Here.  And so, I made a conscious decision to return to the moment.  I talked to my husband, Mark, about it.  Because sometimes when we say the words out loud to someone who is willing to really listen, they seem to become unclouded and more understandable to ourselves.  And with those conversations, thoughts of writing began to slowly seep back into the forefront of my mind and this blog began to whisper out to me in a very healthy way.  For a while, I was receiving emails from some of my blogging friends asking me how I was doing and when I might be writing again.  Some people even requested for me to write again.  If you were one of those lovely people, thank you so much.  My deepest gratitude is with you.  Each note brought me closer to coming back.  Each friendly reminder of you made me understand that this is not only about me.  It is also about us, coming together to make sense of the world.  Supporting one another with nothing more than words and kindness.  And to those of you who sent me silent prayers of concern, I felt those also.  I stored them inside of my heart knowing  that you, too, would be here once I returned and it helped me to find my way back.  Every kindness was a part of the compass.  So here I am.

It is only fair to begin by sharing some of what has been over the course of the past several months so that I can get to where is now.  My four Angel Daughters are all doing well as they continue to evolve and grow into the incredible young women that they are.  I cannot even tell you how very lucky I feel to be their momma.  They are kind, loving, bright, unique, compassionate, beautiful, creative, effervescent souls finding their way in the world experiencing both the bumps and the beauty of the road.

Angel Daughter Number One is twenty-five years old now.(actually closer to twenty-six!)  It is sometimes difficult for me to remember that she truly is a self-sufficient young woman, and not my child to shelter from the world.  I am learning.  She is pretty good about being Angel Daughter Number "One" and allowing me to "practice" on her.  I know that there are times when she still rolls her eyes at me but for the most part, she humors me by letting me have my say and then politely expresses her own thoughts on things.  She is doing her very best to achieve her dreams as she auditions frequently for commercials(receiving many, many callbacks!) while subsidizing her income as a tour guide at Universal Studios, working for a catering company which caters mainly to the very rich and very famous in Los Angeles, Christmas caroling throughout the holidays(Which is where we were when the photo above was taken, she was on break.), volunteering as a Big Sister to a sweet teenage girl, and taking classes to continue her theatrical education.  She recently completed some spots for MGM, Kia and Comcast.  Her goal for 2013 is to book a national television commercial.  I know that she can do it!  I will let you know when and where to watch it once she has fulfilled this goal.

Angel Daughter Number Two celebrated her twenty-third birthday in early January.  We took her to a Tappan house with some of her friends, our family, and my mother and step-father to celebrate.  January starts the "Birthday" season for our family as my three youngest daughters have birthdays in January, February, and March, consecutively.  My dad's birthday is then in April, we don't have any in May, and then AD1's birthday is in June.  It is nice because there is always someone to celebrate!  AD2 is living in Los Angeles now, trying to find work as a photographer which is a highly competitive field.  She is working on figuring out her place in the world,  and we all know that it is not always an easy place to be.  It is difficult to watch her struggle but I know that she will eventually find her way.  It is just going to take her some time.  Her work has already been featured in some top magazines and she recently completed a shoot for one of the gossip magazines with one of the "Teen Moms".  She just returned from a huge fashion industry conference in Las Vegas where she made some very good contacts.  I think her biggest issue is that she still needs guidance but is not always willing to take it.  I guess the one thing that can be said for doing it "her way" is that she will gain a lot of wisdom in the process.  She is surrounded by loving people who are more than willing to guide her, trouble is, that she can be very stubborn at times. She likes to have the ability to make her own mistakes.  So, her father, grandfather, and I support her in whatever ways that we feel comfortable doing and then, we give her the leverage to make her own mistakes so that she understands that they are her own.  She is such a delightful, charming, and talented young lady and people really take to her.  She is a Capricorn whose mascot is the goat.  Goats like to climb to the top of the mountain where the view is the very best and the air is fresh and clean.  Like goats, Capricorns like to climb to the top of their chosen field so that they can reap the lofty benefits of success.  AD2 has the tenaciousness to succeed in her chosen field.  She just needs to learn from the fact that she can benefit from the mistakes that others have made before her.  If not, life is going to sting just a little bit more than it might actually have to.  It is really up to her and I will be here to catch her no matter how many bumps and bruises that she takes along the way.

We celebrated Angel Daughter Number Four's nineteenth birthday in the beginning of February.  Hard to believe that this is her last year of being a "teenager" and my last year of being the mom of a teenager!  I have been doing this for so long that I can hardly remember what it was like before we entered the years of changing/raging hormones, first loves, and the battles for independence.  I actually think that it will be quite a relief to know that all four of my girls have made it safely past the teenage years once AD4 hits twenty.  I have loved something about every stage of parenting so far, but I must admit that being the momma of four teenage daughters at once, managed to bring out a few more grey hairs than I was prepared for.  I suppose that is the price that I have paid for enjoying the joys of having a large family.  I would not change the experience for anything in the world.  Anyway, AD4 is still dancing her way into people's hearts, going to community college(for now), teaching dance classes to little ones through teens, and transforming into a beautiful young woman.

Angel Daughter Number Three will be twenty-one in March.  In some ways, I think I have seen the biggest changes in her over the course of the past year.  She is attending community college but will have completed her AA degree in the spring.  We are waiting to hear from several universities that she applied to so that she can complete her Bachelors degree in the next couple of years.  Everyday she comes home and asks whether or not anything has arrived for her in the mail so I know that she is ready.  She has worked at the same jewelry store for the past four years.  It has become like a second little family to her and she has learned so much from working there.  It took her a long time to heal after the break-up between her and her boyfriend of two and a half years, but she has evolved into a much more self-assured and confident young lady since then.  She is getting ready to choose a university and then move out of our home which for some reason, will be the most difficult one for me so far.  I am very excited for her.  AD3 does not do anything unless she is ready to do it and so, I know that the time for her to leave the nest is growing quite near.  Still, there is something very bittersweet about knowing that one of my youngest Angels will soon be spreading her wings.  However, in my heart, I know that she will soar.

Since I was last here, not only have we celebrated birthdays, but we have also celebrated births.  This gorgeous little man is Hudson.  He is the grandson of one of my oldest and dearest friends, Donna.  I have known Donna since I was twelve and her husband, Keith, since I was sixteen.  When Mark and I moved to California many moons ago, we never thought that we would get the chance to raise our children together as we had planned to do as kids.  That was until Donna and Keith decided to move their family out to Las Vegas over a decade ago!  Since then, we have made a point of it to get together as often as possible.  We have shared births and deaths.  With each passing year, our friendship becomes even more important to me.  Donna has four grandbabies now and I consider each one to be my grand-neice or grand-nephew.  Her children are my nieces and nephews and my daughters are her nieces.  Chosen family.  I am very blessed to have them.

 These were taken at Disneyland celebrating Scarlett's second birthday.  Aubri is the oldest.  She is such a bright little girl and I love her so much.  Little Scarlett is Hudson's older sister.

Scarlett adores all of my girls.  Angel Daughter Number Three says that she is not a huge fan of small children, but look at her with Scarlett.  She is absolutely smitten!

Scarlett and AD2.  Can you just see the love between them?  It makes me so happy to see my children interacting with Donna's grand babies.  We have come so far together.

Last month, Mark and I took the girls to their second Springsteen concert.  For those of you who are Springsteen fans, you might recognize Little Steven, Bruce's second hand man.  For those of you who watched the HBO series, The Sopranos, you might know him as Silvio Dante. We just know him as awesome!  We made a donation to his organization which raises money for music programs in school and in return, we received floor tickets to a couple of Springsteen concerts.  We cannot wait for them to come around again so that we can see them for the 22nd time!!!  BRUUUUUUUCE!!!!

Sorry, I lost my mind for a moment there.  While we were waiting for the concert to begin, we ran into this gorgeous hunk of a man, I mean, Rob Lowe.  He was standing right behind AD4 and I looked at her and mouthed the words, "Rob Lowe is standing right behind you!"  AD4 yelled out, "Who???"  and again I mouthed, "Rob Lowe" to which she turned around to look at him and her mouth dropped.  She then said to me, "I don't know who Rob Lowe is, but he sure is handsome!"  I must admit that he was a really nice guy.  Very down-to-earth and very friendly.  When Mark introduced him to our four daughters, he slapped him on the back and wished him good luck.

Rob's younger brother, Chad Lowe, was also at the concert.  At one point when we were chatting with them, Mark asked Chad if he was also in the acting business.  He chuckled and said yes.  We later found out that he has been the winner of a Grammy and that he is a regular on the TV series, Pretty Little Liars"!  Boy, did we feel silly.  I do not think that Chad was insulted at all because he ended up hanging out with Mark and I for most of the concert.  He was even nicer than Rob.  Rob wandered off for a major part of the show and so Chad just stuck with us.  There was nothing pretentious about him.  He told us about his newborn baby daughter and his three year girl.  We had a great time just hanging out with another serious Bruce fan.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!!!!

The man is sixty-two years old and he crowd surfs!!  He crowd surfs!  Enough said...

The love of my life with the loves of our lives.

This is Angel Daughter Number One and her boyfriend, Matt.  We met him for the first time a couple of weeks ago and he definitely seems like a keeper.  They went to college together but never dated when they were there.  They reconnected recently and began dating several months ago.  He is going to be completing his internship for his PHD over the course of the next year and then he will be a doctor.  Not an MD, but a PHD which is even better because they do not have the crazy hours!  I am rooting for them.  They make a very sweet couple.  As long as my Angels are happy, I am happy:)

Becca-Lynn October 21, 1998-December 29, 2012

And finally, very sadly, I said good-bye to my beloved fourteen year old best friend, Becca, at the end of December.  She was doing well until she wasn't and she began to go downhill very quickly towards the end.  It was one of the hardest and saddest decisions that I have ever had to make, but she went very peacefully in our home, on her own bed.  We had a vet come to our house so that Becca would not have to experience the stress of being brought to the vet's office which she hated.  The vet was extremely gentle and Becca fell asleep looking into my eyes.  She was such an amazing dog and a very loyal friend and companion.  She stood by me at times when I might have withered away without her love.  I am so grateful for the time that we had together and I will miss her for the rest of my life.

These are some of the moments which have passed during my absence.  Life is always filled with moments that make us want to run away and moments that make us want to stay for awhile.  It is up to us to remain present during all of these times because they are all valuable.  They are all teaching moments, and they truly are all we have in the end.

Thank you for sticking with me and for spending the time to walk for awhile on this road along side of me.  I look forward to reconnecting with you and to catching up with the many moments that I have missed in your lives.  There is a time for everything in our lives, and for me, it is time to return to the moment.  To the now, to here, to life. L'Chaim.

Reconnect, Repair, Renew

Rosh Hashanah literally means "the head of the year".  In Jewish tradition, Rosh Hashanah marks the completion of the creation of the world and is looked upon as a time to begin anew, to forgive and to be forgiven.  It is now 5773 according to the Jewish calendar which follows the lunar calendar(our regular calendar follows the solar cycle) and even if you do not believe that the world has only existed for 5773 years, this is a time for great self-evaluation and contemplation.  It is a time of gratitude for God and a time of deep introspection and study.  It is a time for celebration and a time to ask for forgiveness(from God, from ourselves, from others).  It is a time of prayer and a time of Tzedakah(charity).  It is the time when it is said that God opens up the book of life in order to determine who shall live and who shall die. It is a time when we are expected to repent, to return to God, and to return to our highest selves.  It is a time for second chances(or third, or fourth, or even ninety-ninth) as long as we take responsibility for our own actions.  It is not a time for feeling guilty about our past indiscretions but rather a time to right our own wrongs.  And as daunting as all of this might seem, it is really a gift because when done correctly, the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur(the ten days known as "The days of Awe") may not only be spiritually cleansing but also emotionally healing for ourselves and for others, as well.

As I sit here contemplating the year that has been, the "me" that has been, the "we" that has been over the course of the past year, it feels a little bit odd if not somewhat mis-placed because this Rosh Hashanah somehow snuck up on me.  I can definitely blame this on so many things.  The fact that I turned 50 this past summer, the fact that our youngest Angel Daughter turned eighteen and graduated from high school, that our oldest turned twenty-five, the fact that our devoted and beloved rabbi(our rabbi for well-over twenty plus years) passed away, the fact that it has been unusually and repressively hot and humid for the past two months making it feel as if no time has passed at all.  And yet, here it is.  Here I am.

As I watched a train passing below our home on the tracks that skirt the shoreline of the coast on the evening of the first day of the new year, I thought about how quickly things, life-cycle events, days, weeks, years can pass before we even realize that they are upon us.

There are times when we do not even feel the changes as they happen, and then suddenly, here they are, right in front of our eyes as if they magically appeared out of nowhere, blazingly obvious in both sight and sound but leaving us feeling somewhat dumbfounded by their unexpected arrival.

And yet, we knew that they were coming.  Barrelling down the tracks like a well-timed train, slowing down for nothing.

As I consider the things that I must do in order to become a better person, I intend on using the next week or so to look within and to dig as deeply as my courage will allow in order to come to terms with the things that will make me a finer human being.  What can I do to make the lives of those who I love and care about just a little bit better each day?  Are my actions aligned with my core values on a daily basis?  Are there things that I could work on in order to become a more productive and positive individual?  It is said that on Rosh Hashanah, the world goes back to the moment of creation and begins anew.  I like to believe that we all have that chance, too.

May I take this moment to ask for forgiveness of anyone whom I may have hurt overtly or unintentionally over the course of this past year.  May I find forgiveness in my heart for those who have hurt me, either intentionally or without knowing, and may I find a way to leave any hurt behind.  May I do better, be kinder and love harder than I ever have before.  May I always remember to show gratitude for God and for all of the wonderful people that He has so graciously surrounded me with.

L'shanah tovah to everyone.  Happy new year.  May God inscribe and seal you and all of the people who you love in The Book of Life for another good and sweet year.  And may it be a good one for all of you...From my lips to God's ears.

Senior Prom, Sunshine and Standards

You are my sunshine,

my golden sunshine.

You make me happy,

when skies are grey.

You'll never know dear,

how much I love you.

Please don't take

my sunshine

away.

I have been singing this song to my youngest Angel Daughter since the very day that she was born and as she got older, she began singing it to me, as well.  Maybe it was because this child was born with a particularly sunshiny disposition.(She sparkles when she smiles.)  With each one of my girls, I have special songs, sayings, or inside giggles that only we share with one another which has created very special bonds in the relationships within our relationships.  This actually makes quite a bit of sense when I think about it as every positive relationship in our lives contain special nuances that make each singular relationship unique.  It isn't really something that we set out to do.  When a bond is created, it is something that simply just seems to happen.  It is kind of like when a cricket rubs it's legs together to create a unique song.  Each relationship fosters it's own distinctive music.  Each relationship is extraordinary.  That is the way it is meant to be when done well.

Angel Daughter Number Four attended her Senior Prom last weekend.  I cannot believe that we have now experienced four of these momentous occasions.  I carry within my heart, memories of each one of these very beautiful days all very different while my feelings were so much the same with each one.  Another step closer to graduation.  Another step closer toward growth and independence.  Another view of my daughters as women.  Senior Prom does this.  It makes you look at your child through a very grown-up lens because, well, they look so grown up in their formal dresses and suits.  It can be a very sobering experience for a parent who really does not feel much older than the day that their child was born(all of us), but who is suddenly standing there wondering when their baby grew up.  Sunrise, sunset...

Hugs...

Gratitude...(look at those shoes!)

Laughter...

Posing...

More laughter...

And her favorite guy in the world.

As we followed the girls up the very steep hill to take pictures, my husband trailed protectively behind our daughter to make sure that she didn't fall back on those crazy heels.  When she chose the gorgeous Ralph Lauren sequined navy gown to wear to her prom, I was very impressed as were the saleswomen who sold it to us.  Angel Daughter Number Four is obviously an individual who honors personal style and this gown was a bit more refined than what I expected her to select.  We found it only a few days before prom, and the saleswomen almost had tears in their eyes.  They told me about the "apron"(meaning the sides were cut out like a full-length apron with a bib on top but nothing underneath) dresses that some girls were picking out which left absolutely little to the imagination.(They said that they had sold hundreds!)  They told me about the proud parents who came in with their daughters and with tears in their own eyes, stood there and told their barely dressed daughters with breasts lifted up way past decency how beautiful they looked and what a perfect choice they had made.  I am not at all sure where these parents expect their daughters to go from there, but that would not have made it past me or my husband.  So, when AD4 came home with the very trendy spike-covered heels the next day,  to wear with her gown, I was pleased as punch.  Pleased to know that she was still being true to her own individual style and pleased to know that she would look like the beautiful eighteen year old young lady that she is.

As I watched her walk gingerly up the hill under the safe guidance of her father's hand ready to catch her at any moment if she stumbled, I thought about how this is one of the many ways in which I see him as a father.  This is how our girls see him.  As a protective force, always ready to catch them if they begin to stumble.

Soon after we arrived at the top of the hill, we noticed a stray piece of thread that was hanging off of the hem of AD4's gown.  When Mark leaned down to detach the stray piece of string from her dress, AD4 giggled through one of her sparkling, sunshiny smiles as her friends looked on and my heart caught in my throat.  This is one of the moments that I will carry in my heart's memory when I recall the Senior Prom of our youngest Angel Daughter.  My man, their father, who continues to set a wonderful, shining example of how a man should treat a woman, this is what they should wait for.  I pray, with all of my heart, that this is something that they will look for in the husbands that they will someday choose for themselves.  I hope that along with all of the lessons that have stuck and unstuck and sort of stuck up until this time, this one, this very important ideal, will hold a standard to which all of our daughters will strive for.  Wait for it, girls.  There are men out there who know how to be a man.    Settle for nothing less.  It is what you each deserve.

18. L'Chaim. To Life.

This month, we celebrated Angel Daughter Number Four's 18th birthday.  Incidentally, this also means that Mark and I are no longer the parents of any minor children.  Such an unfamiliar feeling to no longer be something that I have been in one form or another for almost 25 years.  Who am I now?    How do I let go?  In Judaism, when our children turn 13 and they are either Bar(for a boy) or Bat(for a girl) Mitzvahed, it is said that they are considered "adults" and are therefore responsible for their own actions, but as a parent, this was only the very beginning of acknowledging that my daughters were on their way to becoming young women.  The teen years in our home, proved to be full of wonder(I wondered how I was going to make it through!) to feeling like they might go on forever.  But, like any other stages of our daughter's lives, these years actually raced by.  In several weeks when Angel Daughter Number Three turns 20, we will only have one more teenager to finish raising up and she is now legally old enough to vote in the next presidential election, sign for her own replacement driver's license at the DMV(damn the person who stole her purse at school), or pierce another hole in her ear on a whim.(Both she and AD3 felt that "whim", last week.  Oy.)  And yet, as odd as it feels to be the momma of four young adult women, I can look at them with confidence in knowing that Mark and I did things the way that we always said that we would.  Yes, we waivered at times.  The arguments coming out of the mouth of a living, breathing individual is quite different to those that come out of the mouths of very obedient imaginary children.  But the thing is, we actually parented these daughters of ours when too many of our peers thought it wise to be their children's friends, and that is something that most certainly never works.

So, as I piece together the thoughts that I have about Angel Daughter Number Four's 18th birthday, I can truly say that Mark and I must have done something right because these daughters of our just keep getting better and better!

I love that she does not have too much pride to stand up on a chair in a very crowded restaurant with a balloon animal in her hand while shaking her adorable booty just like she did when she was three.

Even while being serenaded by the very handsome waiter who sweetly(and respectfully) flirted with her for the entire evening.

Culminating with a high-five and applause from the whole restaurant.

I just love how the little boy behind us seemed to be coveting AD4's ice cream sundae.

As did the little guy who was sitting at the table behind AD3!  I would have given them ice cream for dinner now that I am moving ahead into that "grandma" phase of life...

My beauties.  Angel Daughter Number Four(18).  Angel Daughter Number Three(19).  Angel Daughter Number Two(22).  Angel Daughter Number One(24).

This is AD1 and her boyfriend, Kyle.  He is a very nice guy from Colorado chasing his California dream.  They are cute together.

Obviously, something very interesting was happening on AD4's cellphone;)

Once again, AD4 sparkled and shined to another rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday" from a packed restaurant.  There is something about watching your baby come into her own that does a momma's heart good.  She is me at that age, yet with a lot more confidence, self-assurance and moxie.  She is generous of spirit, she is lavish of heart.  She lives her life out loud and without apology.  She is Mark at that age with a contagious smile and a joyous sense of humor.  She has grown up well and I cannot wait to meet the woman that she will someday become.

In Judaism, the number "18" symbolizes life which is why Jewish people tend to give monetary gifts and donations in sums of 18.  Celebrating life is one of the most important tenants of Judaism which is why the phrase "L'chaim, To Life" is often said in celebration.  Life is a precious gift that should never be taken for granted.  It should be celebrated and exalted.  Happy, happy 18th birthday, my sweet angel baby.  We are all so incredibly proud of you.