Views From the Buena Vista

The beginning of our week started out like this.  Threatening clouds, wild waves, and just enough pounding rain to keep me inside with the shades raised high and a stack of books close to my side yet my eyes remained mostly trained on the horizon, my mind thick with thoughts.  I enjoy the sun, but I live for these dramatic days on the Pacific shoreline in which nature puts on the most spectacular of displays.  There is something about the turmoil on the outside matching the turmoil on the inside that creates a feeling of symbiosis deep within my soul.  I am drawn down into thought.  Thoughts about where I have been, thoughts about where I am now, and thoughts about where I will someday be.  The notary came by, last week, to have Mark and I sign paper after paper after paper as we are refinancing our beach home for a much better rate than we were able to lock into almost four years ago.  The words "in thirty years" flowed easily from the notary's mouth and stopped me cold in my thoughts as my hand systematically signed and signed and signed and signed and dated.  In thirty years I will be eighty years old.  80 years old.  My four Angel Daughters will be as old, or older than I am right now at this moment in time.  My nieces will be in their late thirties and early forties.  My parents will, most likely, be gone.  Long gone.  And my brother, he will still be only 41 years old...Has he had the chance to meet one of our heros, the larger than life Clarence Clemons, yet?  Dear God, I hope so.

Rainy days cause these kinds of thoughts to bubble up to the surface of my being.  The thoughts simmer there, oftentimes for days, bringing with them feelings of nostalgia, regret, hope, and renewal.

And as I take my old girl, my dog, Becca, outside, something in the water to the left of the bluff catches my attention and I am momentarily caught off-guard.  I hold my breath so as not to lose sight.  The surface of the water breaks with circular swirls of tiny bubbles.  Breath.  Air.  Life.  And then a fin...

And as I look down, she appears, gliding lazily along on currents.  My breathing somehow syncs along with her graceful dance along the water.  Under, above, under, above, like my moods when the rain comes and then leaves.

That evening, the sun returned just in time for sundown, the water smooth as glass.  It is 80 degrees outside here today.  The only clouds in the sky are wisps of cotton against the most beautiful of blues.  I am here, back to today, back to thirty one years away from my 80th year, back to life as it is.  I like it here. How to make the next thirty years slow down to a pace which does not feel like here and then gone?  That is the question that lays heavy on my heart.

May You be Inscribed in The Book of Life 5772

Sometimes, even the cat feels like he can just stick his tongue out at me.  I mean, just like everyone else, he loves and adores me but hey, I am Momma and if he's having a bad day, I guess I should be, too.

When done correctly, I have found that the moniker "Mother" is synonymous with the words safety, security and comfort.  My husband wants to be able to fix things when a problem arises.  He is definitely the strong and silent type in a lot of ways so with five women surrounding him(and sometimes all at once!), he has to take in a lot of excess chit-chat which probably often hurts his brain.  I can sympathize with that because sometimes it even hurts my brain.  But women, not all but many, like to talk things through.  We like to discuss different angles.  We like to explore various solutions.  We enjoy the interaction and oftentimes, that is what it takes for us to arrive at a resolution. Men, not so much.  So here I stand.  Unlike my husband, I know that I cannot really just fix anything and move on.  Long after he is off the topic with one or more of our Angel Daughters, I am still trying to maneuver them into a positive direction that will both make them feel better and produce superlative results.  Neither way is absolutely right or wrong, it just is.  I am not, however, a magician.  A goddess, maybe, but...Well that is not what I am writing about right now so I will just move along.  Just take my word for it, it will make me feel special.  The goddess part, anyway.

I have spent a good portion of today dousing fires and wiping tears from my daughters cheeks.  And a few minutes ago at exactly 6:39 PM, the sun, which never really shone itself down here on the edge of the Pacific ocean today, went down for the last time on the Jewish year of 5771.  For Jews all over the world, another year has just passed and ten days of awe will now be observed.  Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year which begins as a celebration and then culminates after ten days with the observance of Yom Kippur.  Yom Kippur is a somber, serious day because it is a time of self-reflection and atonement.  It is a day when we ask God to forgive our transgressions and to guide us into being better people next year.(simply put)  The time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is known as "the days of awe".  These days are used for self-evaluation, reflection and prayer.  On Rosh Hashanah, we ask that God inscribe us into the Book of Life for another year.  On Yom Kippur, it is sealed.  I suppose that the cloudy day today was appropriate for the misty moods which I encountered but during these next ten days, I am going to focus on growth and redemption and healing for all of us and when I say "all of us" I mean myself, my family and all of my wonderful friends, both Jewish and otherwise.  The new year is a time for transition and transformation, much like the season of autumn, so what better time to contemplate the things that we can do better, for others, for ourselves and for the world.  The September mist which blanketed much of the Southern California coast today reminded me that my daughters pains and concerns and fears are very, very real and that it is their father's job to protect them and to try to fix what ails them.  But it is my job, as their momma, to walk them gently but firmly back into the light, allowing them the time and consideration that they might need to get there.  A perfect combination.  A band-aide and a time to allow for healing.

I will write more about these "days of awe" throughout the next ten days and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.  I know this might all seem a bit mystic and confusing to someone who is not Jewish, but trust me, it's really not.  Tomorrow, Mark, myself and our four Angel Daughters will spend part of our day in synagogue celebrating the New Year.  We will pray, we will sing, and we will hear the blast of the shofar as we welcome in the New Year of 5772.  I look forward to this outward expression of gratitude to God before turning inward to evaluate myself.  L'shana tova(which means "for a good year" in Hebrew) to all of my Jewish readers and friends.  To everyone else, I wish you good health, happiness and so much love because we can never receive enough in the way of blessings from those who care about us.

With so much love,
Debbie