Is it Safe to Come Out Yet?

It has been one week and one day since my Angel Daughter was forced to face the heart-clenching reality of finding out what it feels like to have loved and then lost.  This was not something that she was at all prepared for and it caused her world to come crashing down around her swiftly and intensely.  Most of us know what this feels like and it is not something that we would wish on anyone else.  Sadly, it is something that most of us must go through at least one time or another and oftentimes, even more than once.  It is especially difficult when it happens after an almost three year relationship in which almost everyday was spent together,  college classes were attended congruently, promises were made, futures were discussed, and family became family.  For the past week, I have observed as my daughter slid into the easy company of her number one defender and protector...Me.  She has always been the tentative one.  A bit different than our other three, she does not allow people in easily.  She is content with just a few close friends, and she does not like change.  She has surprisingly handled all of this a bit better than I thought she would which is good.  Very, very good.

Yet I know that she is #1-Leaning on hope.

And #2-Going through the normal stages of grief.  Which can change from one emotion to the next over the course of a single moment.

And #3-Leaning on hope.

She is tentatively popping her head out from underneath my protective wing in order to bathe, eat, go to work, go to school and to hang out with her younger sister.  I am watching her very, very closely.  I am very glad that she is talking to me about how she is feeling.  I am trying my best to help her to process through all of the emotions.  I am losing a lot of sleep over all of this because #1-I am worried about her.
And #2-She wants to be close to me when she is not doing one of the things that I listed above.

And even though I know that she will get through this in time(We all somehow, do), I wish that it could be easier on her.  I wish that she could know, really know, that most of the time first loves do not become forever loves.  I wish that she could understand that there really is more than one person in this world that she could be happy with.  I wish that, like when she was little, I could put a pretty band-aide on it and make it feel all better.

She is in the process of talking to him right now and I just know that the result will not be what she is hoping for, but it might just end up being exactly what she needs in the long run.  And at least he has been a gentleman about this.  There was no cheating involved.  He is communicating with her when she asks him to.  He thanked both Mark and I for being so supportive of him over the past three years.  And he is admitting that, yes, he does still care about and love her, but that he doesn't believe that they have common goals and that it would be much, much harder to break things off at a later time.

How do you mend a broken heart?

Why I Love My iPhone

After uploading 672 seemingly innocuous photos from my iPhone onto my computer yesterday, and weeding through a lot of recent memories, it occurred to me that modern technology really does provide an amazing way to capture and share moments that definitely otherwise would have been lost.  You see, I like to amuse my family by transmitting pictures in real time to them over the phone.  It could be something bizarre, funny, touching, or even just a photo of a tee-shirt that I am thinking about purchasing for one of the girls.  But all of it is saved courtesy of my iPhone for a time when I am looking for something mindless to do and I decide to load it all onto my computer.  That is when I realize that I am very thankful that I did not take the time to delete anything from my phone while sitting there waiting umpteen minutes for the doctor to see me, and I read that super fantastic article about the importance of tooth flossing in a two month old magazine instead.  And while I will spare you the informative details of all that I have learned from a picked-over magazine in the doctor's office waiting room, here are some moments collected over the past couple of months courtesy of my iPhone.

Above is a picture of Angel Daughter Number Four and our wonderful dog Micah.  Regardless of what color this little angel colors her hair at any given moment, her classic beauty shines right through.  Micah is our 110 pound rescue pup who was definitely "bred" for size and strength, but by the grace of God, turned out to be nothing more than 110 pounds of slobbering love.  We are so grateful to the individuals who rescued Micah, his momma, and his two brothers and three sisters from inside of a shed where they were abandoned, emaciated, and alone.  Momma dog was nursing her babies even though she had absolutely no access to food or water for who knows how long.  The "owners" moved to Hawaii and decided to call animal control several days after they arrived there to let them know that they had abandoned some dogs on their property when they took off.  Minor afterthought.  Micah, his momma, and his brothers and sisters were almost missed because they were locked inside of a shed.  Thank God that the officers heard some whimpering from the shed before they left with two other dogs that were found on the property.  We got Micah when he was a few months old and rather small.(except for his enormous paws)  He was so pathetic at the time that we allowed him to snuggle up in bed with us for the first few weeks so that he would feel more secure.  Now he believes that he is a lap dog.  Truly.  Our vet somewhat jokingly called him a "Drug Lord's Dream" when we had him tested for breed.  He is one half Rottweiler, one quarter Doberman and one quarter Pit Bull, but really, he is all pussy-cat.  It is amazing what love can do.

Here is my buddy, Becca.  I have mentioned before how important this old girl is to me.  She is strength, guts and loyalty.  Next month, on my oldest Angel Niece's birthday, she will turn 13.  So will my niece, and God knows how much I would love to see her.  We fought hard but lost our battle for visitation in court.  One of the saddest stories of my life but in my heart, not the way that the story will end.  On October 21st, Becca and I will share some goodies in celebration of the birthdays of two very special 13 year old girls, one whose gift I will be able to give on that day and another that I will pack away for someday...

Only in Southern California can you walk out of the grocery store and find a stark white Bentley with blush pink ornaments on both hood, trunk and hub caps.(Although there must be a fancier word than"hub cap" when it comes to a Bentley.)  These cars cost anywhere from $225,000 and up!  That is a quarter of a million dollars for a car.  A CAR!

Personally, I was more impressed with the pink emblems than the car itself.  This was one of those, "send a photo to my girls in real time" moments which I am now sharing with you.  You're welcome.

*Ghost kitty!

Sorry if I scared you...Halloween is coming and I LOVE Halloween!

Kissy face with Angel Daughter Number Two.  How I love this girl...How I love them all.

This one was taken specifically for Angel Daughter Number Three.  She loves it when I send her pictures of Rex and often texts me requesting them from work.  He sometimes likes to snuggle his way underneath the pillows on Mark's side of the bed.  He thinks we can't see him.  *Refer back to photo above.

Uh-oh!

For those of you with small children(Mark) who you might or might not have trouble bringing into fancy stores like Target, I am here to tell you that it only gets worse.

Oy Vey.

But then it gets better once they hit the age of about 24 or so.  You see.  I am here to bring you hope.

Another photo moment is when I find things like this.  First, they take my breath away, and then, I take them as signs of what they so obviously are to me; hellos from my beloved, deceased brother.  I have been constantly reminded over the course of the past three years that my brother is still very much here with us.  Unbelievably supernatural signs that line up in a way that cannot be explained in any other way.  As a teenager, my brother was a huge KISS fan.  His room was decked out in posters that I happened to find somewhat creepy but KISS was a guy's band and my brother was pure guy.  This record album was one of my brother's all time favorites.  I mean, if I close my eyes, I can hear it blaring loudly from his twelve year old room his voice belting out, "I wanna rock n role all night and party everyday!",  his fist rhythmically pounding out the beat.  Around his birthday, we were in a thrift store that sold a little bit of everything.  Up against the wall in a small corner, I spotted this album sitting by itself.  I reminded myself to capture the moments as they come because sometimes, they become an ethereal mixture of reality and dream in my mind and then I begin to wonder.  Doubt.  But with something concrete to look at, I cannot doubt.  And so, a picture...

One of my favorites is this last one.  My two guys, Micah and Mark, standing out on the edge of the bluff together, our strength and our protectors.  As far as I am concerned there are not five luckier women on the earth than my four Angels and I because we have this man to call our own.  Husband and father.  Chief of our tribe, love of my life with his trusty dog by his side.

And this is why I believe that the iPhone is really a fancy camera that happens to make phone calls, as well.

The Usefulness of Silence

For some reason, I have not had the words to write, lately.  From a somewhat practical perspective, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the third anniversary of my beloved brother's death was this week and I always feel quiet when I am faced with the sadness.  I miss him terribly.

But there have been sunnier moments such as the one above in which Rex climbed the screen and we decided to pose for a picture together.  My furbabies always make me smile.  We understand each other. And the relationship is all about love.(Well, for me anyway.  Theirs might also have something to do with lots of food, warmth and THEN love.)

The wind is blowing down here at the beach.  The rain is beginning to pelt against the windows and my dear husband is reading the newspaper beside me.  I am content.

And to you I am sending so much love and light.  Even when I am quiet.  Especially when I am quiet.

A Story With a Different Ending or a Cat With a Different Voice

Last week seems like a month ago, and I am now just beginning to put together the pieces of what the future with my Angel Nieces might look like.  We have fought so long and so hard to keep my brother's children in our lives that I am only just starting to come out from underneath the hundred pound weights which settled heavily upon my shoulders just a few months past two years ago on the day that my brother died.  And so the story continues with new characters(and I do mean characters), new plot lines and a whole lot of new bills to pay.  But I know, as I have always known, that I have the power to decide that if I do not like the ending, I will always have the capacity to change it.  And as the co-author, co-conspirator, co-pilot of my life, I can decide that this is not the way that the story is going to end.

There are still things left which must be sorted out.  But as for now, I can take some comfort in knowing that I will be seeing my nieces perform in their dance recitals in a couple of weeks, and then I will see them again at Angel Daughter Number Three's high school graduation at the end of the month.  There is more, but for now I will just say that nothing is court mandated, and that I can always continue forward with the case if need be.  And I do hope that need will not be.  But I certainly will not rule anything out.  Because when you live in my world, anything can happen.

For the first time in a very long time, my brother visited me in a dream last night.  All that I can remember is that he was very relaxed and very jovial.  And that I woke up laughing.  There are gifts that those whom we have lost, physically, can still give to us.  Visiting us in our dreams is one of those gifts.  Forcing us to appreciate the smaller pleasures that come after a very rough time, is another.  So here is Rex.  He is officially Angel Daughter Number Two's kitty.  Officially.  But he has been living with me for the past several months because AD2 is very busy with school and interning and life, and he was spending way too much time alone.  Cats are somewhat solitary creatures, but certainly not solitary enough to be left alone most of the time.  And so Rex came to spend some time with his grand-momma.

Most of the time we live parallel to one another, existing next to each other in the same space.  You see, we are pretty sure that Rexy is a feral cat meaning that he comes from a long line of strays who learned to fend for themselves without benefit of people-parents.  And as sweet as he is, he loves to bite in a playful manner.

Which still hurts.  He is learning to interact in different ways.  He has the cutest voice that I have ever heard in a kitty.  It is more of a higher-pitched "Purrrrupt" sound than a meow.  If he enters a room, he announces himself with this "Purrrrupt" and if someone talks to him, he answers with it.  We have a total of six cats as a family, but there is something about this little guy that makes me want to bother him.  I can't help it.  I find him irresistible.

Yesterday, instead of bothering him by trying to pet him, I spent some time observing him as he played, preened and finally napped on my bed.

Please enjoy this series of photos.  To me, it is one of those small pleasures that I mentioned before.  The kind of pleasure that can be enjoyed on even the most exhausting of days.

May you find a way to write or rewrite your own endings.

May you take the time to notice the gifts that, too often, race by unnoticed.

  And may you be blessed with dreams that cause you to wake up laughing.