Duality, Pain and Strength

I am trying. I am trying. I am trying. And the harder that I try, the more the confusion whirls throughout my mind like a seaside carnival ride on a sizzling summer afternoon. The sensation of possibility allows me to experience a certain ethereal freedom, but then the ride comes to an abrupt stop. The warm breeze ceases. And I am back to where I began...Trying, trying, trying.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with somebody about the duality of one of my most dominant personality traits. I do not give up on those I love. Call it loyalty, allegiance, stupidity or the faithfulness of an old, stubborn dog. I will piece together the shrapnel of a relationship until there is barely anything worth saving. But if there is anything worth fighting for, I will remain high up on that hill of hope. This is one of the spiritual reasons for my chronic illness. I am not saying that physical illness is not physical. Nope. Never. Absolutely not. What I am conceding is that every, and I mean every illness, from a simple headache to cancer, contains a spiritual component. The soul is connected to the mind is connected to the body. Each one affects the other. So, in many ways, my undying loyalty is detrimental to my own health. I have come to understand this very, very well.

The other side of that very sharp sword is this. I do not give up on those I love. I do not take the easy road. I often remain loyal long after others would run in another direction, screaming as if their hair were on fire. I will stand strong. This makes me someone worth knowing. It may be detrimental to my physical health, but herein lies the duality. This is one of the qualities that gives me the ability to look at myself in the mirror every single day of my life.

At the moment, I am once again being challenged spiritually, emotionally and physically from more than one corner of my life(in turn, so are my four Angel Daughters and my husband). And since I am still lacking the wings in which to rise high above it all, I am being forced to decide if this is the hill that I would figuratively choose to die on. In one instance, the answer is quite complicated. In the other, there is no alternative option other than to give up and give in. I have already established that this is not my style. I must try.

So I stand here from my vantage point up on the hill, and the view is definitely somewhat overwhelming. But I can gather so much strength from those who love me, from what I feel but cannot see, and from you. From my perspective, that makes it feel as if there is an entire army standing behind me waiting to charge if needed.

May the beginning of autumn bring with it many exciting possibilities for whatever it is that you would like to achieve in your life. May the change of seasons energize you by adding newer and more vibrant colors into your tapestry. And may it allow you to settle into a cozier version of yourself.